WFTDA rules to be translated into Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki

Already, versions of the WFTDA rule book are available in English, German, French and Spanish.

The WFTDA have now announced plans to translate the rules of flat track roller derby into more languages, including Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki.

WFTDA spokesperson Ebony and Irony commented:
“After translating the WFTDA rule book into German, French and Spanish, Klingon seemed like the next logical step.”

“We wanted to focus on languages that are relevant to the roller derby community.
We want to ensure that players, officials and fans can access the important WFTDA rules documents and information in the language of their choice.”

These new versions of the rules will be available on the WFTDA website as soon as possible but the WFTDA are looking for volunteers to help with the translation task.

Ebony and Irony commented:
“If you want to be involved in the translation process, please get in touch with the WFTDA rules committee.
You will need to include a sample of your work by translating a rule of your choice into the relevant language.”

“You can also contact the WFTDA rules committee for any further language translation requests of the rule book.”

“We are currently prioritising Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki.
But in the future we are planning translations into Latin, Parseltongue, simple English, Minion, Pirate, Newspeak, Emojis and Scottish.”

Breaking news: WFTDA Championships update

Exclusive news update from the 2016 WFTDA Championships in Portland.

Jammer eats actual baby.
“I’ve always found that phrase confusing. Well, I’ve certainly protein loaded now.”

Sports court still worst court.
Better options said to include wood, concrete, royal and legal court.

All games so far ended in hugs, not fist fights.
Male players confused.

Gotham think they are ‘the good guys’.
Disagreeing with this is literally everybody.

Scientists discover new types of geometric shape in roller derby walls.
First reported sighting of a rombangle and a trimond outside of computational simulations.

Referee to be treated for jamnesia.
“One second I knew it all, the penalties, the points, the passes, and then suddenly … It was all gone!”

‘Rotational violence’ to blame for global warming.
But TNOB’s new helmet technology laboratory are on the case.

MRDA to award travel stipend to the biggest whiner

Recent rumours that the 2017 Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) Championships may be held in Europe led to outrage on social media. Numerous American roller derby players stated that it was simply impossible to fundraise enough money to bring a team to another continent.

In response to this, the MRDA have now announced that to cover the increased cost of playing at the MRDA Championships in the UK they will award a travel stipend to the player who is the most whiny about this situation.

MRDA spokesperson Billy Rubin explained:
“We understand that having to be on social media all day long leaves very little time for budgeting and fundraising.”

Applicants may approach the MRDA via any social media platform, including Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and can do this under their real name, derby name or any pseudonym they choose. You just have to use the new MRDA hashtag: #MayTheBestManWhine

Particular points will be awarded for the most outrageous whining, examples of which could include: ‘We’ve never had to fundraise before’, or ‘I can’t travel to MRDA Champs in Europe because of my criminal record’.

Billy Rubin elaborated:
“Overall, we feel that this is the right move, as the loudest whiners are clearly those who want and need it the most and they are the people we should be supporting.”

“We want to send the message that in this organisation, you can have anything you want as long as you demand it loudly enough.”

USA-based players shocked to discover that roller derby exists in other countries

Roller derby players from across the USA have recently discovered that roller derby is also played in other countries. This revelation has lead to widespread confusion, anger, existential dread, and of course outrage on social media.

Bubble Standard, of the Lame County Rollers, commented:
“This came as a complete shock to me!”

“Are people in other countries even allowed to play roller derby? I mean, nobody asked me if I was ok with it!”

“How are we going to be the number one in roller derby forever, if we are going to let other people play?”

“If we don’t halt this development in its tracks, it will certainly spell the end of North American roller derby.”

Men’s roller derby has officially arrived in 2009

Following their recent 2016 Championship near Dallas, Texas, the Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have proudly announced that men’s roller derby has finally reached the level of 2009 women’s derby.

Bad Hombre, an MRDA spokesperson, commented:
“We are so proud to have reached this point.
It’s been a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears (sometimes literally).”

“I was ecstatic to see the level of play at this year’s MRDA champs, and how passionately people, on and off the track, feel about our sport.
It just shows how far men’s derby has come.”

Looking to future, Bad Hombre said:
“Obviously we still have a long way to go. But there are exciting times ahead for the MRDA.”

“After reaching this milestone I simply cannot wait for the year when we finally learn to play in walls.”

Bay Area skaters seen secretly attending backward skating bootcamps

Following their recent loss against Montreal at the 2016 WFTDA Playoffs, skaters from Bay Area Derby (BAD) have been spotted secretly attending beginner’s bootcamps on backwards skating.

BAD, an otherwise high-level team, have become known for their continued use of flat, forward-facing four-blocker defensive walls, while the rest of the derby world moved on to dynamic walls, often featuring blockers facing backwards and physically bracing the walls.

This year’s WFTDA D1 playoff in Montreal saw BAD being defeated by the hosts themselves in the game for third place and hence being barred from attending the 2016 WFTDA championships. This is the first time since 2012 that BAD have not made it to the championships, even coming in third place overall in 2014.

It has been suggested that BAD’s result in this year’s competitive season may be linked to their strategic choices.

A BAD skater, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented: “I had heard of backward skating and of ‘braced walls’, but I had never seen those things in person. Then I saw other teams do them at playoffs and I thought to myself: ‘Why aren’t we doing that?'”

BAD skaters have since been spotted up and down the country at numerous roller derby beginner bootcamps with an emphasis on backward skating and dynamic walls.

Another anonymous BAD skater commented: “I’m like a complete beginner at these backward skating bootcamps, skating alongside fresh meat skaters from other leagues.”

“I have to keep my attendance at such bootcamps secret though. I always wear a neutral top and no golden helmet. And a fake mustache, just to be sure.”

After five years: derby player finally gets team mate’s derby name pun

After five years, a Roller derby player has finally understood the pun in her team mate’s roller derby name.

At last weekend’s bout, Skatelyn, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, was hit by a sudden realisation and finally understood the meaning behind her team mate’s roller derby name.

Skatelyn commented:
“I cannot believe I didn’t see it before! ”

“Her name is ‘Poocahontas’. You know – ‘poo’ like pooing and ‘Pocahontas’ like in Disney!”

Poocahontas commented:
“This is unbelievable. Skatelyn and I are derby wives and have been best friends every since we started playing. How can she not have gotten this until now?”

Skatelyn explained:
“I guess I thought it was just her real name or something.”

WFTDA to publish the rules of fresh meat roller derby

The members of the WFTDA rules committee have come together to develop a rule set for beginner’s or ‘fresh meat’ roller derby.

WFTDA spokesperson Onyxia commented:
‘We felt that this was a necessary step.
Adapting the rules of roller derby in this way will allow beginners to play without every player fouling out in the first five minutes.’

A summary of the most important changes from the standard rule set is exclusively shown here:

Out of Play
There are no limits to the engagement zone, the pack is everywhere.
Pack definition is not monitored and no failure to reform penalties are given.

Track cuts
There are no track boundary lines. Any lines on the floor mean nothing and can be ignored. Any potential cuts can be undone by skating back on the track.

Illegal procedures
There are no illegal reentries; players can reenter the track anywhere.

False start
There is no such thing as a false start. Players can start anywhere they want.

Penalty enforcement
Leaving the track when being called on a penalty is entirely optional.

Game parameters
Immediately after the start whistle of a jam, there will be a five second delay to give everyone the chance to clarify if the jam has really started and what those confusing whistles mean.

Verbal cues
Referees will not communicate with players beyond issuing penalties. Warnings and prompts to return to the bench are just too confusing.

Impact metrics
Finally, the new rule set will show the following diagram to clarify impact assessment in fresh meat roller derby.

Picture15

Inverse correlation between number of times you go to RollerCon and number of classes you attend

A recent study has shown that there is a direct inverse correlation between the number of times a roller derby skater has attended RollerCon and the number of classes they attend, as well as the amount of exercise they are likely to engage in, during the event.

RollerCon, an annual roller derby congress in Las Vegas, brings together skaters, coaches and vendors in a 5-day event filled with classes, seminars, scrimmages, bouts and parties.

The study showed that first time attendees are likely to engage in many more classes, and engage in many more hours of exercise per day, than repeat RollerCon attendees.

Hannah, first-time RollerCon visitor and member of the Derpshire Rollergirls’ fresh meat programme, commented: “I have everything planned out. I have studied the class timetable, and have colour-coded all the classes, seminars and Meet & Greet’s that I want to attend, so that I can go to the maximum possible number every day. The next day, I will get up early and do it all again. I’m so excited!”

“I’ve also signed up to play in 36 RollerCon challenge bouts!”

“I will eat my lunches during off-skates seminars, so that I don’t miss out on a single minute of learning. Initially, I was planning to eat during skating classes. But then I thought they might frown on it if I whip out a taco during Quadzilla’s jam skating class, and I want to make a good impression.”

The study showed further that the units of alcohol drunk per day increased with increasing years of Rollercon attendance.

Tessa Ract, member of the Derpshire All Stars team, RollerCon veteran and coach of several classes at this year’s Rollercon, commented: “For me, Rollercon is really more about about dating than skating.”

“Skating-wise, all I have to do during these five days at RollerCon is to coach two classes, and play a challenge bout with Team TNOB. The rest of the time I will sit by the pool and party. One of my team mate didn’t even bring her skates.”

The study results bring truth to the old RollerCon saying: “There was skating. There was drinking. Not at the same time.”

An ode to the toes of a roller derby player

This little piggy’s nail has died and gone away.

This little piggy turned black and blue and bent one day.

This little piggy went wonky breaking-in my new skates.

This little piggy has a giant blister that it hates.

This little piggy fell victim to my toe stop-heavy session.

This little piggy needs to be taped up to make a good impression.

This little piggy is nothing but a hammer toe.

This little piggy’s nail is hanging on for dear life so.

This little piggy got stomped on at the game in Rome

This little piggy was broken in half during my yoga cross training and went wee wee wee all the way home.