MOTA Skates to found own roller derby association

The Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) recently announced that they will be parting ways with previous tournament vendor MOTA Skates LLC.

This announcement came after MOTA Skates, and its founders, posted a series of controversial posts regarding the current Black Lives Matter movement on multiple social media outlets.

Large parts of the roller derby community have spoken out about the racist nature of these posts by MOTA Skates.

MOTA themselves were taken entirely by surprise by the accusations of racism, after having only been accused of racism a number of times in the past.

The founders of MOTA Skates have now released a statement that includes plans for founding their own roller derby association:

“We are trying to better ourselves. We are completely open to learning from BIPOCs, unless they say something negative about us and our actions. Positive criticism only!”

“Your voices are heard. But if you post something negative on our profile, we will not read it, and we will delete it.”

“We are aware of the offence we caused, but we are being totally vilified over nothing!”

“We are not racist, but we also have no privilege whatsoever.”

“We may have said and done racist things, but we didn’t *mean* them to be racist.”

“There is simply no way we could have known that our words would be taken this way.
There is nowhere we could have possibly learned about racism. None of our white friends knew about this either.”

“We are very aware. We have done lots of reading and studying the current situation and even learned some history, but we do not see anything wrong with our posts.”

“We took a stance on being in the middle, but America is too communist for this now.”

Julie Brandt-Glass, of MOTA Skates commented:
“Everybody is being so mean to me!
They say I’m not doing anything to help the racial justice movement, but that’s so untrue!
I even dedicated a whole workout to George Floyd! Do you know how many burpees I did? 30! #burpeesForFloyd

“MOTA Skates further announced that they will be rebranding.
Being experienced at this, they already had a new company name at the ready:
MOAT Skates

“We at MOAT Skates are absolutely dedicated to bringing the best products to the roller derby community; but also, the roller derby community is toxic and sucks!”

“We need to stay united, but also, we are out!”

“We at MOAT Skates are now going to found our own roller derby association, and nobody who was mean to us will be allowed to join.”

“The new MOAT roller derby association will have freedom of speech as one of its central tenets.

We are all entitled to our own opinion.

Peace and Love, MOTA.”

Roller derby COVID-19 news #2

In absence of practice, roller derby players forced to desperate measures, like studying the WFTDA rules, or off-skates training.

Every roller derby player suddenly an expert in virology, epidemiology or disaster management.

“But how will this affect my chances of getting on the travel team?”,
wonders player who was never going to make the travel team anyway.

Bouts cancelled – nobody bothers informing the officials and volunteers.
Studies show:
Leg-washing just as useless in times of coronavirus as in other times.

Roller derby league states that their finances have been hit hard –
insider sources say that leadership actually never had any handle on league financial situation pre-coronavirus either.

Roller derby league raises dues by 300% for non-travel team skaters to make it through these tough times.
Cytokine Storm, league spokesperson, comments:
“Our travel team skaters need to save up money so that they can travel to bouts again soon!”

Large cluster of covid-19 cases amongst WFTDA-certified officials linked to after-party shenanigans.

Roller derby skater will DEFINITELY do lots of squats during lock-down.

Dire times – Gotham to hold boot camp on efficient toilet paper use.

Roller derby skater thinks that the continuation of their hobby is more important than people’s lives.

Roller derby COVID-19 news

Rollercon cancelled.

WFTDA to make full face visor mandatory for playing roller derby.

Forearm penalties now count for three penalties –
Keep your hands to yourselves!

New requirement for WFTDA sanctioning –
All penalty boxes to be stocked with hand sanitizer.

Socially awkward players rejoice –
WFTDA discourages high fives and hugs.

Lone-wolf-style blockers less likely to get infected –
Lower transmission rate for players who are never anywhere near their teammates.

WFTDA encourages vulnerable elderly players (defined as 10+ years of roller derby experience) to finally retire for good.

Amidst coronavirus fears –
Roller derby player considers washing her gear for the first time.

Your questions answered:
If roller derby practice is suspended, do I still need to do league work? –
Not if you are one of your league’s star players!

Wuhan shake recommended for off-skates only!
WFTDA considers making elbow bumps a legal game move.

Roller derby players confused after cancelled practice sessions –
What to do with your time after years of ignoring everything that isn’t roller derby

Epidemiologists predict:
Mathematical models show MRDA leagues likely to handle covid-19 as well as they handle sexual harassment cases.

WFTDA recommends cancelling all bouts with 50+ people attending –
Most roller derby events unaffected.

Even in times of coronavirus – Sports court still the bigger issue.

Roller derby player thinks that volunteers should be grateful to her

A roller derby player recently stated that the volunteers who work at her league’s events should be grateful to her.

Sal Monella, of the Derpshire Rollers All Stars Team, explained:
“Volunteering at events where I pursue my hobby is a massive privilege.”

“I identify as a great skater. It’s only fair that I should have people who work hard so that I can just focus on my hobby, roller derby.”

NSOphies Choice, volunteer with the Derpshire Rollers, commented:
“When I joined the league as a volunteer, I thought I was supporting a great bunch of people do something awesome. I was hoping to help out, learn some new skills and maybe make some friends along the way.”

“I have volunteered for this league every weekend and two weekday evenings for the last two years and never once did anyone thank me, or even remember my name.
One time, a player mistook me for a penalty box chair and tried to sit on me. I might as well be invisible.”

When asked if she could name some of the league’s long-time volunteers, Sal Monella commented:
“Well, there is What’s her face. And the one who always messes up the jam timing. And that wannabe outside-pack ref who never calls the cuts as I see them.”

“It’s really hard to get good volunteers.
We get these professional photographers that come to our games, take pictures and give them to us for free to use as we wish. But you would not believe how long it takes them to edit those photos and how annoying they are about crediting.
I deserve better!”

On the topic of intraleague communication, Sal Monella said:
“One time we had organised a closed-door game and no NSOs showed up. I mean, we hadn’t told them about the game, but they should just know.”

On the subject of training and support for officials and other volunteers, Sal Monella commented:
“We totally put a lot of effort into supporting our volunteers. Like, just last year I high fived one of them. And when they aren’t doing their job well enough, I always tell them, so that they can learn.
But really, they can learn so much just from getting to be in a hall with me.”

“I don’t usually have time to train my league’s volunteers. Any free time I have is reserved for running boot camps that other leagues pay me for. My time is too valuable to do stuff for free.”

Air on the Side of Caution, another player on the Derpshire All Stars team, commented on the topic of volunteers at her games and practices:
“I thought those people came with the venue? I guess i had never really thought about it, they just turn up.
Do we like pay them, or what?”

NSOphies choice commented further:
“It turns out, just because someone can do the best apex jump, or the most solid plow stop, doesn’t mean that they are worth your time.”

“Right now I could be doing something to enhance my career, pursue a hobby of my own, learn a new skill, sit at home in my underpants and get two-for-one Dominos pizzas on Tuesdays, or write a snarky blog about this bullshit.”

When asked about how good her league is at retaining volunteers long term, Sal Monella commented:
“We never have enough volunteers. I don’t understand why we don’t get more, we are so good at roller derby. People should be honoured to volunteer for us.
Being able to see me play roller derby should be all the reward that these officials, announcers and volunteers need.
But most of our volunteers don’t last for long. It’s a mystery.”

KonMari watchers find: roller derby does not spark joy

After watching the highly successful Netflix show “Tidying up with Marie Kondo”, thousands have quit roller derby for finding it does not spark joy.

Tidying guru Marie Kondo teaches audiences how to declutter their house and life by only keeping the things that spark joy.

Synonym Rolls, formerly of the Derpshire Rollergirls, commented:
“After watching the show, I immediately tried the KonMari method and realised that none of my roller derby stuff sparked joy. My mountain of ‘more derby jerseys than can be worn in a year’. My collection of overpriced and over-patterned compression leggings. My pile of bout programs, posters and stickers that I’ll never make into a collage anyway. And all those wheels I bought because some star player said I should.
Eventually, I realised that roller derby itself did not spark joy and I quit.”

CupKate, formerly of the Fartfordshire Rollers, stated:
“The venues are far away, the dues are expensive and everyone is always kinda miserable. Does not spark joy!”

Roger PenRolls, formerly of the Putrid Sound Rollerboys, commented:
“Nobody ever does league work, our events don’t make enough money and virtually every member of our all stars team is being investigated for sexual harassment. You tell me if that sparks joy.”

Abby Small, formerly of Northern Fights Roller Derby, explained:
“My knee and shoulder braces, that I have to wear because of all the injuries I have sustained, did not spark joy no matter how well I folded them.”

Coma Toast, formerly of Duckburg Roller Derby, commented:
“I thought that maybe if I organised all my roller derby anger and disappointment into those little boxes it would help.”

Regina Phalange, formerly of the Lorule Rollergirls, commented:
“When I started greeting our bout venues, I realised just how little joy sport court really sparks.”

Derp Purple, formerly of the Upside Down Rollers, commented:
“I could not fold and store my derby gear KonMari style, because I had never taken it out of my bag.”

Fork Knife, of the Lame County Rollers, commented:
“Marie says you can only own seven roller derby wheels.”

Synonym Rolls commented further:
“I expressed my gratitude for roller derby and then threw it to the curb.
Now, I have space in my life for things that spark more joy than dragging my broken body to roller derby practice every night; like watching reruns of The Office, eating pizza on Dominos two-for-one Tuesdays, or just mindlessly scrolling through social media until I’m swallowed by the abyss.”

North American roller derby teams outraged at having to fundraise like all the other teams

After the WFTDA announced this year’s Playoffs and Championship structure, North American teams were outraged at having to fundraise and travel just like teams from other countries have always had to do.

An anonymous skater from a North American team commented: “I didn’t care when other teams had to fundraise and travel to take part in playoffs. I didn’t care when European and Australasian teams declined their hard-earned spots in competitions.
I never thought about the large number of great teams that cannot meet ranking requirements, because it would require overseas travel.
But this is entirely different because it affects me and my team.”

In response to the fact that WFTDA member leagues themselves voted on this competitive structure, a skater commented:
“I’m all for maximum competitiveness. I just didn’t think that my league would have to travel overseas. I thought it would just be the foreign leagues as usual.”

“It’s not fair because leagues from other countries have a lot of practice in fundraising. We’ve never had to do it, so we were not prepared for this eventuality.”

“It is much more tragic when a North American League has to decline participation when they’ve never had to do it before. For those other leagues that’s just normal, so it’s not as bad.”

Another skater commented:
“More American teams should host these events.
How hard can that be?”

“Skaters from European countries get a lot more holidays. I think they should use those before I have to use mine.”

“Why are we trying to promote international roller derby anyway? It’s an American sport and if other teams want to play they should come here to do it.”

Roller derby league strives for improved league culture

After recent accusations of racism and bullying within their league, Derpshire Roller Derby have now publicly responded:

“We acknowledge these problems in our league and have taken action.
We have re-selected our All Stars team roster under new and improved criteria to show our commitment to a league culture free of bullying.”

“If a player is known to have committed bullying, racist acts or sexual harassment, they are no longer eligible for the All Stars team.”

“As well as playing skill, we now take into account a player’s positive contribution to a fun, safe and diverse league culture, and just how nice they are as a person.”

“Attendance and contribution to league work, which were previously optional for our All Stars players, will also form major criteria for selection in the future.”

“It has meant quite a change to our All Stars roster, but we believe that this is a step in the right direction.”

In other news: The Derpshire Roller Derby All Stars Team has fallen from #9 to #364 in WFTDA ranking over the course of the last week.

Breaking News: Men’s Team USA stripped of title and medal

The Men’s Roller Derby World Cup (MRDWC) organising committee have announced that Men’s Team USA are to be stripped of their World Cup winning title, gold medal and any honour they may claim to have bestowed on their country.

It has recently come to light that during the recent Men’s World Cup championship game, Men’s Team USA players commemorated a former team player, who left the team due to sexual harassment and assault allegations, by displaying his skater number on their bodies.

Following this controversy, the MRDWC organising committee have announced their decision that Men’s Team USA are to lose their titles and medals.

MRDWC organising committee spokesperson Number Guy commented:
“Team England will receive the gold medal, Australia will move up to silver and France will receive a well deserved bronze medal.”

A number-displaying Men’s Team USA player commented:
As a man, who has never been subject to sexual harassment from this person or anyone else, I think I can say that that time he lent me some wheels was so much more representative of his character than the dozens of times he harassed women and abused his status in this community.”

We were just thinking about how our top notch friend didn’t get to play, and forgot that it’s because of actions that he willfully inflicted on other people.”

Being 100% honest, we just didn’t think of those sexual harassment allegations as anything more than a hassle for our friend and the team.”

Sexual harassment is just not something that I ever think or worry about.”

I’m truly sorry that my friend got caught.”

I still think we are great representatives in this female-dominated sport.”

Exclusive: MRDWC 2018 updates

Australian player can correctly predict game scores before they happen.
You won’t believe the France vs USA outcome.

Players confused by complex line patterns on track floor.
Scientists discover ancient Catalán code in floor lines which spells “Please do not skate here.”

Future bouts involving Team Australia to just be one jam long.
MRDWC organisers: “Their games always come down to the last jam anyway.”

Brand new live stream technology directly uses venue security cameras.
Fans delighted about resulting feed quality.

Still no medal for France.
All-Nations Committee decided: “We just don’t like those guys and will go to any length to deny them a medal.”