Meet the gatekeepers of roller derby, here to ensure that you do roller derby the ‘right’ way.
Scally Swag, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, thinks that you should have a skating background to play roller derby.
Emordnilap, of the Fartfordshire Rollers, thinks that you shouldn’t play roller derby if you don’t know all the rules.
Edge of Glory Hole, of Hyrule Rollerderby, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you only want to play recreationally instead of competitively.
Demi Gorgon, of the Podunk Rollergirls, thinks that to be a real roller derby player you have to train six times a week and only eat nutritional yeast.
Irusu, of Ottery St. Catchpole Rollerderby, thinks real roller derby players would never miss training to go to birthdays or weddings.
Itchy Bitchy Spider, of Blackacre Roller Derby, thinks that people who take a derby break for a while don’t get to be part of the roller derby community anymore.
Hinkypunk, of the Basingrad Rollers, thinks you shouldn’t play roller derby if you don’t identify with the punk-culture-origins of the sport.
Galactic Bulge, of the Dongcaster Rollerboys, thinks that hockey boots are the only boots for derby.
Will-o’-the-wisp, of the Dumfries Dumbelles, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you use a toe stop.
Zurg, of Cittàgazze Rollergirls, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you wear a tutu instead of compression pants.
Pareidolia, of the Whoville Rollergirls, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you are not that into watching games.
The Third Wheel, of Mouseton Rollerderby, thinks real roller derby is played on the banked track.
Escape Goat, of Woop-Woop Rollerderby, thinks you are not a true roller derby skater if you like skating backwards more than forwards.
Bellyfeel, of the Lame County Rollers, thinks that a real roller derby player should also want to do bowl skating.
Eggcorn, of Aerilon Rollerderby, thinks that you are not a real player if you sometimes decide that a drill is not safe for you.
Moan-a-lot, of Calisota Rollerderby, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you don’t want to analyse your game footage.
Marco Polio, of the St. Elsewhere Rollers, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you don’t care that much about the after party.
Mute Point, of the Hull on Earth Rollergirls, thinks that men should not play roller derby.
Existential Dreadz, of Ruritania Roller Derby, thinks you are not a real roller derby player if you don’t want to spend your money and time going to boot camps.
Higgs Busom, of the Auchterturra Rollers, thinks that you are not really part of roller derby if you are an official or volunteer.
Hetero sapiens, of Uncanny Valley Rollerderby, thinks that only competitive players should get to buy fancy skating gear.
She also thinks that only travel team players should get to have a team jersey and a derby name.
Angel’s share, of the Coruscant Rollers, thinks you are not a real skater if you need different wheels for different floors, while Devil’s cut, of the same league, thinks a real roller derby player would carefully select their wheels for a given surface.
Mondegreen, of the Waikikamukau Rollers, thinks the 27 in 5 are the most essential indicator of a roller derby player.
Moon Bean, of the Slippery Slope Rollers, thinks that to be a true roller derby player you need to pay homage to Jerry Seltzer and his Dad.
She also thinks that you cannot play without knowing why the player number 1 has been retired from use.
Confabulous, of the Hicksville Rollergirls, thinks that trans women should not play in the WFTDA.
Aromantic compound, of Y, thinks that you are not a real derby player if you don’t play through the injury.
Earworm, of the Spoonerville Rollers, thinks a real skater would not wear protective gear during outdoor skating.
Fermat’s Last Diadem, of No Man’s Land Rollergirls, thinks that mothers shouldn’t play roller derby, because it takes them away from their children.
[Cetacean needed.], of Yourleague Rollers, thinks that YOU shouldn’t play roller derby because you are not good enough.