North American roller derby teams outraged at having to fundraise like all the other teams

After the WFTDA announced this year’s Playoffs and Championship structure, North American teams were outraged at having to fundraise and travel just like teams from other countries have always had to do.

An anonymous skater from a North American team commented: “I didn’t care when other teams had to fundraise and travel to take part in playoffs. I didn’t care when European and Australasian teams declined their hard-earned spots in competitions.
I never thought about the large number of great teams that cannot meet ranking requirements, because it would require overseas travel.
But this is entirely different because it affects me and my team.”

In response to the fact that WFTDA member leagues themselves voted on this competitive structure, a skater commented:
“I’m all for maximum competitiveness. I just didn’t think that my league would have to travel overseas. I thought it would just be the foreign leagues as usual.”

“It’s not fair because leagues from other countries have a lot of practice in fundraising. We’ve never had to do it, so we were not prepared for this eventuality.”

“It is much more tragic when a North American League has to decline participation when they’ve never had to do it before. For those other leagues that’s just normal, so it’s not as bad.”

Another skater commented:
“More American teams should host these events.
How hard can that be?”

“Skaters from European countries get a lot more holidays. I think they should use those before I have to use mine.”

“Why are we trying to promote international roller derby anyway? It’s an American sport and if other teams want to play they should come here to do it.”


Roller derby league strives for improved league culture

After recent accusations of racism and bullying within their league, Derpshire Roller Derby have now publicly responded:

“We acknowledge these problems in our league and have taken action.
We have re-selected our All Stars team roster under new and improved criteria to show our commitment to a league culture free of bullying.”

“If a player is known to have committed bullying, racist acts or sexual harassment, they are no longer eligible for the All Stars team.”

“As well as playing skill, we now take into account a player’s positive contribution to a fun, safe and diverse league culture, and just how nice they are as a person.”

“Attendance and contribution to league work, which were previously optional for our All Stars players, will also form major criteria for selection in the future.”

“It has meant quite a change to our All Stars roster, but we believe that this is a step in the right direction.”

In other news: The Derpshire Roller Derby All Stars Team has fallen from #9 to #364 in WFTDA ranking over the course of the last week.

Breaking News: Men’s Team USA stripped of title and medal

The Men’s Roller Derby World Cup (MRDWC) organising committee have announced that Men’s Team USA are to be stripped of their World Cup winning title, gold medal and any honour they may claim to have bestowed on their country.

It has recently come to light that during the recent Men’s World Cup championship game, Men’s Team USA players commemorated a former team player, who left the team due to sexual harassment and assault allegations, by displaying his skater number on their bodies.

Following this controversy, the MRDWC organising committee have announced their decision that Men’s Team USA are to lose their titles and medals.

MRDWC organising committee spokesperson Number Guy commented:
“Team England will receive the gold medal, Australia will move up to silver and France will receive a well deserved bronze medal.”

A number-displaying Men’s Team USA player commented:
As a man, who has never been subject to sexual harassment from this person or anyone else, I think I can say that that time he lent me some wheels was so much more representative of his character than the dozens of times he harassed women and abused his status in this community.”

We were just thinking about how our top notch friend didn’t get to play, and forgot that it’s because of actions that he willfully inflicted on other people.”

Being 100% honest, we just didn’t think of those sexual harassment allegations as anything more than a hassle for our friend and the team.”

Sexual harassment is just not something that I ever think or worry about.”

I’m truly sorry that my friend got caught.”

I still think we are great representatives in this female-dominated sport.”

Exclusive: MRDWC 2018 updates

Australian player can correctly predict game scores before they happen.
You won’t believe the France vs USA outcome.

Players confused by complex line patterns on track floor.
Scientists discover ancient Catalán code in floor lines which spells “Please do not skate here.”

Future bouts involving Team Australia to just be one jam long.
MRDWC organisers: “Their games always come down to the last jam anyway.”

Brand new live stream technology directly uses venue security cameras.
Fans delighted about resulting feed quality.

Still no medal for France.
All-Nations Committee decided: “We just don’t like those guys and will go to any length to deny them a medal.”




Meet the gatekeepers of roller derby

Meet the gatekeepers of roller derby, here to ensure that you do roller derby the ‘right’ way.

Scally Swag, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, thinks that you should have a skating background to play roller derby.

Emordnilap, of the Fartfordshire Rollers, thinks that you shouldn’t play roller derby if you don’t know all the rules.

Edge of Glory Hole, of Hyrule Rollerderby, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you only want to play recreationally instead of competitively.

Demi Gorgon, of the Podunk Rollergirls, thinks that to be a real roller derby player you have to train six times a week and only eat nutritional yeast.

Irusu, of Ottery St. Catchpole Rollerderby, thinks real roller derby players would never miss training to go to birthdays or weddings.

Itchy Bitchy Spider, of Blackacre Roller Derby, thinks that people who take a derby break for a while don’t get to be part of the roller derby community anymore.

Hinkypunk, of the Basingrad Rollers, thinks you shouldn’t play roller derby if you don’t identify with the punk-culture-origins of the sport.

Galactic Bulge, of the Dongcaster Rollerboys, thinks that hockey boots are the only boots for derby.

Will-o’-the-wisp, of the Dumfries Dumbelles, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you use a toe stop.

Zurg, of Cittàgazze Rollergirls, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you wear a tutu instead of compression pants.

Pareidolia, of the Whoville Rollergirls, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you are not that into watching games.

The Third Wheel, of Mouseton Rollerderby, thinks real roller derby is played on the banked track.

Escape Goat, of Woop-Woop Rollerderby, thinks you are not a true roller derby skater if you like skating backwards more than forwards.

Bellyfeel, of the Lame County Rollers, thinks that a real roller derby player should also want to do bowl skating.

Eggcorn, of Aerilon Rollerderby, thinks that you are not a real player if you sometimes decide that a drill is not safe for you.

Moan-a-lot, of Calisota Rollerderby, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you don’t want to analyse your game footage.

Marco Polio, of the St. Elsewhere Rollers, thinks that you are not a real roller derby player if you don’t care that much about the after party.

Mute Point, of the Hull on Earth Rollergirls, thinks that men should not play roller derby.

Existential Dreadz, of Ruritania Roller Derby, thinks you are not a real roller derby player if you don’t want to spend your money and time going to boot camps.

Higgs Busom, of the Auchterturra Rollers, thinks that you are not really part of roller derby if you are an official or volunteer.

Hetero sapiens, of Uncanny Valley Rollerderby, thinks that only competitive players should get to buy fancy skating gear.
She also thinks that only travel team players should get to have a team jersey and a derby name.

Angel’s share, of the Coruscant Rollers, thinks you are not a real skater if you need different wheels for different floors, while Devil’s cut, of the same league, thinks a real roller derby player would carefully select their wheels for a given surface.

Mondegreen, of the Waikikamukau Rollers, thinks the 27 in 5 are the most essential indicator of a roller derby player.

Moon Bean, of the Slippery Slope Rollers, thinks that to be a true roller derby player you need to pay homage to Jerry Seltzer and his Dad.
She also thinks that you cannot play without knowing why the player number 1 has been retired from use.

Confabulous, of the Hicksville Rollergirls, thinks that trans women should not play in the WFTDA.

Aromantic compound, of Y, thinks that you are not a real derby player if you don’t play through the injury.

Earworm, of the Spoonerville Rollers, thinks a real skater would not wear protective gear during outdoor skating.

Fermat’s Last Diadem, of No Man’s Land Rollergirls, thinks that mothers shouldn’t play roller derby, because it takes them away from their children.

[Cetacean needed.], of Yourleague Rollers, thinks that YOU shouldn’t play roller derby because you are not good enough.

Amount of ‘allowable harassment’ is directly proportional to skating prowess and derby fame

Studies have shown that the amount of sexual harassment that you can get away with in the roller derby community is directly proportional to your skating prowess, level of derby fame and how much you are considered to have ‘done for the community’.

Researchers commented:
“We have essentially created a conversion chart, where you can see what level of sexual harassment you are ‘allowed’ to inflict on others in the derby community based on how much of a derby celebrity you are.”

“To give a few examples, if you coach about twenty skaters, you get to touch some butt.”

“If you own or represent a skate company, you can be known as “handsy” across the community, but people will still pay to come to your bootcamps.”

“If you are a mid-range jammer of a great team, then you can get away with sending some unsolicited dick pics to other members of the derby community without any real consequences.”

“Top player on a national team? You can creep all over the young recently-graduated-from-junior-derby players at Roller Con.”

“You are officials crew head at a big WFTDA event? You can try and get people to sleep with you in return for getting to be on your crew and nobody will say anything.”

“If you are really derby famous, or an after-party-legend, you can pretty much do whatever you want at events like tournaments and Roller Con. The roller derby world is your oyster.”

Expanding on these results, the researchers commented further:
“Our results also confirm that you cannot get away with such things if you are a nobody in derby, like a beginner, recreational skater, or an NSO.”

“We have also found these trends to be true for non-sexual harassment and bullying in the roller derby community. The more derby famous you are, the worse you get to treat others.”

The researchers concluded:
“These results were surprising to us, as we previously thought roller derby was somehow magically different from other sports or the rest of the world.”

“The data seem to suggest that roller derby has roughly the same proportion of dickheads as everywhere else. And that using shoes with wheels does not make you any less of a dickhead even if you are really good at it.”

Roller derby World Cup overwhelmingly attended by statistics experts

This year’s roller derby World Cup in Manchester, England, has been overshadowed by controversy over its complex team ranking and seeding system.

Fortunately, social media surveys have shown that the event is overwhelmingly attended by statistics experts, all of whom could have easily come up with a much better system.

Czech Me Out from Team Whatislava commented:
“I definitely could have come up with something better if anyone had asked for my opinion. I mean, I don’t know if I would have actually wanted to put in the time to do it. And maybe I would need to know more about like maths and stuff. But I still think I could have done a better job.”

Dutch Majal, fan of Team Netherlands, commented:
“Why didn’t they just do like that system that they often do. You know?”

Norse Job from Team Arendelle commented:
“I never thought about different ranking systems and their pros and cons before today, but now I am outraged.”

Canadian fan Omnomnom de plume commented:
“They should have used chi-square. That’s a thing, right? Or maybe a bell curve.”

An anonymous team coach commented:
“Our team didn’t really care until we saw that this system didn’t put us in first place.
We didn’t pay attention to these details in the run-up to the event and we don’t care what other factors are taken into account, this is about us right now.”

Hakuna Patata from Team Nuevo Rico commented:
“With 38 teams, they just needed a 38-tiered approach.”

Most people commented:
“Maths is scary. Make it go away.”

Count von Count, the creator of the ranking system, commented:
“Look guys, it’s really simple: teams play several games in a circle and then we combine the relative strengths with information from a team poll about which teams they thought were the coolest and using point ratios and a least-squares minimisation with ranking S-curve and has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?”

“And obviously all of this is subject to change if you complain hard enough.”

Roller derby ruins BBC Sport for everyone

BBC Sport recently announced that they would be broadcasting the final day of this year’s Roller Derby World Cup, held in Manchester, on the BBC Sport website.

This announcement by BBC Sport was met with an outcry from self-proclaimed sport fans on social media, who saw the inclusion of an additional sport as a clear sign of decline for BBC Sport.

Those sport fans who managed to find the roller derby announcement amongst the dozens of posts about football, rugby and tennis that day, proclaimed how the inclusion of a single Roller derby event had effectively ruined BBC Sport for everyone.

Paul from Slough commented:
“Roller Derby is not a real sport.
It doesn’t have the athleticism of football, darts, snooker or other sports that are currently shown regularly on BBC Sport.”

“The uniforms those girls wear, with their short shorts and tank tops, just don’t look serious and athletic.
Nothing like a classic rugby shirt that makes you look like the glorious bumblebee that you are.”

“It’s not about sexism, it’s just that roller derby in particular is not a real sport”, commented Gavin from Hull, who would also never watch women’s football or women’s rugby.

“If we include roller derby, then what is next? The Triwizard Tournament? The Hunger Games? It’s a slippery slope.
We already have all the sport diversity we need with football, darts, and the roughly five different kinds of rugby-like sports currently shown on BBC Sport.”

When asked about the importance of equality and inclusiveness in sports, sports fan Simon from Blackpool commented:
“Whenever I watch the footie, my wife gets to fetch me beer and snacks. If that’s not inclusiveness in sports, what is?”

“I’m all for inclusion.”, said Matt from Milton Keynes, “I watched the heck out of women’s Olympic beach volleyball.”

“The idea that women might do something that isn’t for my entertainment is unsettling.”

“I just don’t see why my licence fees should pay for this?”, said Steve from Bradford whose licence fees also pay for a lot of other stuff on the BBC that he does not watch, like say, news or documentaries.

Dave from Walsall commented: “The idea that football might not be the most important thing in everyone’s life scares me and my fragile ego. If football is not important, maybe neither am I?”

Responding to the criticisms, BBC sport commented:
“We are happy to show Roller Derby.
It is one of the fastest growing sports in the world, with a particularly exciting viewer experience and with a World Cup held in Britain this year.”

“We are only showing the final day, and therefore the highest-level match-ups at this event and we are only showing it on the website.”

“We also made sure to use a picture of male roller derby players to represent the sport on our website to not scare our usual fan base too much.”

“Yesterday alone, we updated our viewers on over 300 football matches of various levels, as well as player transfers, birthdays and court dates.”

“If BBC Sport can show every move of the U17 section of Bumbletown Football Club then we think it is also fine to occasionally show the very highest level of other sports.”

“If you don’t like it, then on the 4th of February, instead of armchair warrioring on our social media, don your best smart-casual rugby shirt attire, take your fragile masculinity, go outside, tweedledum down to the local park and maybe play in or engage with one of those sports you apparently care for so much.”

“And for the rest of you, come and watch the Roller Derby World Cup on Sunday, 4th of February live on the BBC Sport website and connected TVs.”





Roller derby to be played in opposite direction in honour of Australian Hydra winner

This last weekend saw the Victorian Roller Derby League (VRDL) from Melbourne, Australia win the Hydra in the 2017 WFTDA championships.

The WFTDA have now announced that roller derby will be played in the opposite direction for one year until the next WFTDA Championships to honour the Australian Hydra winner.

WFTDA spokesperson, A Blessing and a Purse, commented:
“Since toilet water swirls the opposite way in Australia, this seemed like an appropriate way for the WFTDA to celebrate the international success of roller derby.”

“Here at WFTDA headquarters we had carefully planned out how we would celebrate in the case of a non-USA winner.”

“If a Canadian team had won, we would have changed the official language of the WFTDA rules to French. Also, instead of going to the penalty box after a penalty, skaters would have just had to apologise to the skater they fouled.”

“If a British team had won, we would have switched the track and the ref lanes around. And, in addition to the current time out regulations, teams would be allocated two tea time outs per game.”