Woman does not get ticket for highly popular roller derby event – life ruined

This summer will see the highly awaited rematch of the Derpshire Rollergirls vs Metropolis Girls Roller Derby.

As expected for such a sought after event, tickets sold out within minutes of being released.

Hellphaba, of the Fartfordshire Rollers, was one of the unfortunate people who missed out on obtaining a ticket to the event and she has found her life falling apart because of it.

Hellphaba commented:
“I never even considered the possibility that I might not get a ticket to this very popular event. I mean, I really wanted one, so I basically deserve to have one, right?”

“I hit that refresh button on the ticket website for 20 minutes trying to get tickets for this roller derby event. And now that I haven’t got a ticket I just feel stupid and empty inside. Light will never be light again, it’s all darkness from here on out.”

“It was the worst 20 minutes of my life. I’m close to a breakdown.”

“I have a loving family and a good life, but that’s all ruined now. Thanks a lot, Derpshire!”

“Derpshire Rollergirls have made me realise that I can’t have everything in life and I hate them for it.
They have ruined roller derby for everyone.”

“I simply deserve a ticket to this event. I think it’s my right to see this event live. After all, I invested a whole twenty minutes on that ticket website.”

“It’s just not fair that the number of tickets is limited.
I’ve never had a problem getting a ticket for any of Fartfordshire’s bouts or any of the British champs bouts; even on the door. I don’t see why this bout should be any different! I want a ticket, dammit!”

“They say there were lots of tickets, but maybe they are lying. If there were so many tickets, how could they ever sell out? This all seems very shifty to me.”

“I bet they do this on purpose. They put on this whole event because They really wanted me to be sad.”

Shortly after the tickets sold out, Hellphaba voiced her anger on social media:
“Sold out!!! WTF I’ve been refreshing like mad #worst20minutesOfMyLive.”

“Being annoyed on social media has definitely made things better for me.”

“I see that lots of other loud and angry people on Facebook who missed out because it was sold out so quickly. I don’t understand? Clearly nobody got tickets!”

“They just don’t understand how much this game means to me. It’s a once in a lifetime! I have wanted to see it ever since my friend linked me to the Facebook announcement a few days ago.”

“This other woman from my league managed to get a ticket. Why does she get to go and I don’t? I hate everything now.”

“I have never organised an event like that, but I am sure if I did, I would have done it better.
We never have any complaints when we organise bouts in our league. Last time, all 30 people who came loved it. If Derpshire are so good, they should be able to sort out an event with over a thousand people no problem.
If they are so good, then why have they made me feel this way?”

“I would say I am gutted, but that isn’t the word.
I am crushed beyond imagination.
I am heartbroken.
I am just an empty shell of a woman now.
Nothing this bad has ever happened to me and nothing worse ever will.
I just cannot cope anymore.”

“They really need to do something to make up for the pain they have caused me.
I am so stressed out about this that I will probably have to take time off work. And I think Derpshire should compensate me for that.
Their mistakes have literally ruined my life.
I made so many sacrifices to be able to sit at a computer at the time the tickets went up. My life will never be the same.”

“I used to think the glass was half full, but Derpshire have taken the glass from me and smashed it on the floor. That’s how terrible they are.”

“I might just quit roller derby all together over this. There is just no joy in it anymore. All because of Derpshire.”

When we asked the Derpshire Rollergirls for a statement, a spokesperson commented:
“I can confirm that we literally put on this event to ruin your life.
I would love to continue chatting, but I have training later and a full-time job also this giant international event to organise.”

Looking to the future, Hellphaba commented:
“Maybe I’ll just apply to officiate or announce at this event. They owe me that.”

“Anyway, I have to go now because I am sure there are other things waiting to be complained about.”


Get certified for creative roller derby refereeing

This coming weekend, the Derpshire Rollergirls are putting on a WFTDA-sanctioned referee clinic with a special emphasis on creative refereeing.

The class aims to help roller derby officials put the maximum amount of creativity into their roller derby refereeing.

The advertisement for the class states:

We will teach you about creativity, innovation and change.
We want to stimulate your creativity and help you take your creative refereeing to the next level.

Be a more innovative referee; jumpstart your creativity, and don’t just go by the rules.

Learn about what is inhibiting you from calling roller derby penalties the way you want.

Think outside the box, break the shackles, push the boundaries and challenge the status quo.
The sky is the limit when it comes to creativity in roller derby refereeing.

Discover and develop your own ideas for how roller derby penalties should be called.

By the end of this course, you will be great at discovering your own ideas about roller derby rules and delivering them confidently.

This course is highly experimental and teaches you to be experimental, too, in your roller derby officiating.

You will learn to creatively work as an individual ref and you will also learn creative refereeing in a team of officials.

We will prepare you for all the situations you may encounter as a roller derby referee: gameplay, captains’ meetings, official reviews – bring your creativity to all of these.

You will be able to use these creative skills everywhere in your function as a roller derby referee, whether you are making calls, selecting crews or evaluating other referees.

There are no skills requirements for this course.
There are no grades or tests. You decide how good you are, because the only person judging your refereeing should be you.

This course also leads directly to certification, i.e you will be a Certified Creative Referee.

Here are some of the creativity- increasing concepts you will learn on this course:

Approach roller derby penalty calls in new innovative ways.
Push your limits – make calls in ways never seen before.

Have you gotten into a rut? Try calling things differently to how you would normally call them.
You may feel foolish at first, but getting comfortable with feeling foolish is just another way to think outside the box.

Shift your thinking away from your brain’s logic centers and into a more creative part of the brain, where it can be mulled over in a non-rational way.

Work backwards: start with the call you want to make and work backwards to creatively come up with a justification.
Try to challenge your brain’s normal concept of causality.

Draw on other creative sources: players, coaches and the audience may give you new ideas about how to make calls.

Invite randomness into your work. Embrace mistakes and incorporate them into your style.

Always think: what’s the worst that could happen?

Eliminate negativity. Do not limit your ideas. No idea is too ‘out there’.
If other people tell you your ideas are outside of normal, don’t listen to them.
Instead, surround yourself with likeminded people.

Keep your creativity sharp. Like any skill, creativity needs to be exercised to keep it going.
Keep thinking of new situations to apply your creativity to. Any bout is an opportunity for this.

This course will cover all of the WFTDA rule book, though special emphasis will be put on creatively calling forearms, multiplayer block, and cut track penalties.

We have many graduates who have gone on to referee at the big 7 WFTDA tournaments and other high profile roller derby events.


Contact the Derpshire Rollergirls to book your place on the creative refereeing course and bring your officiating creativity to a bout near you.

Derby player moves league for the fifth time to get away from drama

This past week saw roller derby player Poison Distribution transfer to a new roller derby league for the fifth time in three years to – in her words – “get away from all the drama”.

Poison Distribution, who is a self-proclaimed high-level player, started her roller derby career three years ago with the Fartfordshire Rollers, but transferred to Forkshire Roller Derby halfway through her fresh meat course.

“They weren’t serious enough and were holding me back”.

After reaching the end of the fresh meat programme, she transferred again, when she didn’t make the travel team.

“They didn’t see how good I was. I needed to go somewhere where I would be appreciated.”

Transferring two more times because of internal conflicts eventually brought her to the Derpshire Rollergirls.

Regarding her decision to transfer again, Poison Distribution commented: “There is just so much drama in that league, I had to get away from it all.”

“Basically, I just say it how it is and some people can’t take that.”

Commenting on her large number of league moves Poison Distribution said: “I don’t know why this keeps happening to me! It’s so sad how much drama there is in derby these days.”

Poison Distribution’s closing words to her old league could be seen on her Twitter feed: “Laterz bitchez! Let’s see how well you’ll do without me! #justsayin #hatersgonnahate #hardtruths #whyallthedrama #movingon #whatevs.”

Talking about the future, Poison Distribution stated: “If this league turns out to be as bad as the others, maybe I’ll just become an unaffiliated player and play in challenge bouts. These days that’s the best way of getting better at this team sport anyway.”

Duckspeak, a spokesperson of the Derpshire Rollergirls commented: “We hope she finds what she’s looking for in her next league. Meanwhile, we’re gonna get back to training and making sure this league runs smoothly.”