Inverse correlation between number of times you go to RollerCon and number of classes you attend

A recent study has shown that there is a direct inverse correlation between the number of times a roller derby skater has attended RollerCon and the number of classes they attend, as well as the amount of exercise they are likely to engage in, during the event.

RollerCon, an annual roller derby congress in Las Vegas, brings together skaters, coaches and vendors in a 5-day event filled with classes, seminars, scrimmages, bouts and parties.

The study showed that first time attendees are likely to engage in many more classes, and engage in many more hours of exercise per day, than repeat RollerCon attendees.

Hannah, first-time RollerCon visitor and member of the Derpshire Rollergirls’ fresh meat programme, commented: “I have everything planned out. I have studied the class timetable, and have colour-coded all the classes, seminars and Meet & Greet’s that I want to attend, so that I can go to the maximum possible number every day. The next day, I will get up early and do it all again. I’m so excited!”

“I’ve also signed up to play in 36 RollerCon challenge bouts!”

“I will eat my lunches during off-skates seminars, so that I don’t miss out on a single minute of learning. Initially, I was planning to eat during skating classes. But then I thought they might frown on it if I whip out a taco during Quadzilla’s jam skating class, and I want to make a good impression.”

The study showed further that the units of alcohol drunk per day increased with increasing years of Rollercon attendance.

Tessa Ract, member of the Derpshire All Stars team, RollerCon veteran and coach of several classes at this year’s Rollercon, commented: “For me, Rollercon is really more about about dating than skating.”

“Skating-wise, all I have to do during these five days at RollerCon is to coach two classes, and play a challenge bout with Team TNOB. The rest of the time I will sit by the pool and party. One of my team mate didn’t even bring her skates.”

The study results bring truth to the old RollerCon saying: “There was skating. There was drinking. Not at the same time.”

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An ode to the toes of a roller derby player

This little piggy’s nail has died and gone away.

This little piggy turned black and blue and bent one day.

This little piggy went wonky breaking-in my new skates.

This little piggy has a giant blister that it hates.

This little piggy fell victim to my toe stop-heavy session.

This little piggy needs to be taped up to make a good impression.

This little piggy is nothing but a hammer toe.

This little piggy’s nail is hanging on for dear life so.

This little piggy got stomped on at the game in Rome

This little piggy was broken in half during my yoga cross training and went wee wee wee all the way home.

Success: Every North American men’s roller derby fan gets ticket to Men’s World Cup

The organisers of the Men’s Roller Derby World Cup (MRDWC), to be held in Calgary this weekend, have reported a major success in their ticket sales.

MRDWC spokesperson Ultracrepidarian commented:
“We are happy to announce that every single North American men’s roller derby fan was able to get a ticket for this event. We really feel like we have been able to connect with the main fan base of men’s roller derby.”

Buyers of tickets were ecstatic at the prospect of seeing the men’s World Cup live. Thingama Bob, of the Lame County Rollers, commented:
“I bought a ticket, because I really wanted a nice quiet weekend and some solitude. I’m looking forward to it just being me, my poutine and an empty row of seats. It will be glorious.”

Ultracrepidarian elaborated on some of the opportunities offered to fans this weekend because of the sales record:
“We are going to do this new system where every audience member is personally paired up with a player to high-five during the victory round. We just need to sell a few more tickets so that no player is left out.”

The start of the Men’s Roller Derby World Cup has been smooth so far, though MRDWC organisers were somewhat baffled during team registration to find that there are more national teams in Europe and in South America than in North America.
“We were very surprised. We had no idea. We thought maybe the USA and Canada would get at least three national teams. But apparently that’s not how it works.”

Come to Calgary this weekend to see the best of men’s roller derby, or follow the action on the live stream!

New skate brand enters roller derby market: TNOB

After a recent split in the leadership of a well known skate company, a new roller derby skate brand has emerged: TNOB.

TNOB offers quad skates, boots, plates, wheels and anything you need for your roller derby set-up; and they promise brand new technology to make you the skater you want to be.

Avid V, head of TNOB, tells us more about what TNOB brings to the market: “We did intensive research of currently available skate technology. We found a core area for improvement that other brands have left largely unexplored.”

“On our boots, we have added brand new ShoeLace™ Technology to tighten the boot and hold your feet in place. These are a complete upgrade from ordinary laces, as they are are fully exchangeable and customisable, and we have different colours and elasticities.”

“To get the most out of the exciting new ShoeLace™ Technology, we recommend switching to a complete TNOB skate and padding set-up. Come to our booth at a derby event near you and we will fit you with all the TNOB equipment that we think you need.”

Myriad players have already switched to a TNOB set-up. And a number of high level players represent TNOB on the roller derby market as part of the sponsored ‘Team TNOB’.

Using #tnobulated as their hashtag, players like Team USA skater GMO FTW have been busily promoting TNOB on social media.

In a recent announcement, TNOB also opened up Team TNOB to new members:
“You too could be on Team TNOB! Submit a video of you acting like a TNOB for the chance to be on team TNOB at rollercon!”

WFTDA rules update will see second period played in clockwise direction

In a recent rules update published by the WFTDA, it has been confirmed that future roller derby games will see the second period played in clockwise direction. The first period will continue to be played in the usual counter-clockwise direction.

Omegara, a WFTDA spokesperson, explained:
“We decided on this step to make our sport safer and less injury-prone.
Many studies have shown that unidirectional roller derby can lead to muscle imbalance, which in turn can cause long term health issues and injury.”

“We also wanted to increase the general level of athleticism in roller derby. We believe that roller derby skaters should be equally good at skating in different directions around the track.
This will help us to be taken more seriously as athletes by other roller sports organisations and sports bodies in general.”

“Of course, in the second period of every bout you would now potentially be subject to direction of gameplay penalties for counter-clockwise blocking.
Regarding necessary rule changes, we have created an updated version of the rule book which contains a new section for the second period.
This section is just the whole rule book again, but every instance of ‘counter-clockwise’ has been replaced with ‘clockwise’ and vice versa. In one swift move we have thus doubled the WFTDA rule book in length.

“In general though, we do not anticipate a lot of organisational changes for games and game play. Line-up and score trackers may need to change position at half time and we will need a second set of jammer and pivot lines and a penalty box ‘line of no return’ on the other side of the box.”

Isle of View, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, commented:
“This is a whole new challenge for our training. We basically feel like rookie skaters when going clockwise around the track. We all have a good side for stops and turns and none of us can really cross-over all that well in clockwise direction.

“I normally like to position myself on the outside line in our walls. Now I’m confused. Will I want to be on the inside on the second half?”

DuroTart, another Derpshire skater, commented:
“I like this change. Why do so many sports go counter-clockwise anyway?”

Meanwhile, owners of derby businesses and enterprises with names based on the unidirectionality of roller derby were left unimpressed.

British leagues to pull out of WFTDA competitive season following Brexit

British roller derby leagues, including the London Rollergirls (LRG), Leeds Roller Dolls (LRD) and Rainy City Roller Derby (RCRD) have confirmed that they will be pulling out of the 2016 WFTDA competitive season due to the impact of the recent Brexit vote.

Standing in the rain outside the Thunderdome PeaWet, an RCRD spokesperson, commented:
“We’ve already lost a lot of EU funding over the last week. No funding, no venue; no venue, no training.”

La Grunge Point, of LRG, stated:
“It turns out that half of our members are European. Even some who we thought were Australian! They are preparing for deportation as we speak.”

Yakety Sax, of LRD, said:
“Leeds as a city was very divided on the referendum. And our membership has fallen out over the Leave vs Remain issue. Half our directors have now resigned and have left us in a complete mess.”

Meanwhile, Scottish Leagues were left with a more positive outlook, as Glasgow Roller Derby and Auld Reekie Rollergirls stated:
“We are looking at all the options and are hoping to have a membership vote on whether to remain part of this year’s WFTDA championship.”

WFTDA spokesperson Miniplenty expressed regret at these developments:
“We are very sad to see this happen. But we believe that the WFTDA Big 7 tournaments of 2016 will not be further affected by politics. However, we cannot currently make statements about next year’s season, as the US general elections are happening the week after WFTDA Champs.”