Gotham players to be more villainous than ever at this year’s WFTDA championships

With the 2017 WFTDA championships approaching, the players of the Gotham Girls Roller Derby All-Stars team have vowed to be their most evil selves yet.

Gotham have long been known for their villainous style of playing roller derby, which involves never smiling and wearing the derby equivalent of a black turtle neck as their uniform (made by the most evilest of sponsors!).

But this year Gotham have vowed to take villainous roller derby to a whole new level.

An anonymous player from Gotham commented:
“We have been working very hard on this. We want to win and we want to do it in the most evillish of ways.
We have not won the Hydra in the last two years, because we had turned soft. But this year we are back!”

“We will smile less than ever. We don’t care how good you are, Gotham does not smile!
We always want to look like we are having a bad time. We are here to win, not to enjoy roller derby.
We will not allow any cracks in our armour of evil. One time Bonnie Thunders was seen smiling, so we shipped her off to Smiley-Muesli Land.”

“To be the most evil team, we will applaud whenever an opposing player gets a penalty, we will signal to the referees for extra penalties any way we can and, meanwhile, we will act shocked when we get called on penalties. And we are all getting our teeth sharpened tomorrow!”

“Nobody cheers for us, but we will cheer for ourselves after every jam.
*Villainous and joyless laugh.*”

“And finally we are also changing our hashtag from #HiveMind to #HornetsNest.”

Watch the action on November 3-5 live in Philadelphia or on WFTDA.tv and ESPN2.

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Breaking news: MRDA champs update

American visitors tricked into thinking that Wales is worth visiting.
Welsh people: “It’s lush!”

MRDA players wondering if forming walls may be a useful roller derby strategy.
Rumours say this might help to stop the opposing jammer.

Accessory of the year: slightly too long beard.
MRDA player comments: “Hi, my name is Alan Turning, I play for a southern English men’s roller derby team, and a slightly too long beard is part of my uniform.”

MRDA team actually think that their playing style is slow and controlled.
Team captain comments: “Our team’s style is to play very slow and controlled and the 93 penalties we received in the last game are all part of that style.”

Captain of GateKeepers makes prediction on championship game:
“I’d say our chances of winning and subsequently breaking an NSO’s leg today are pretty good.”

MRDA players are shopping for teams to transfer to next season.
Anonymous player from a West Coast team comments:
“You have to keep these things in mind. For all I know, my team may have disbanded by next month.”

MRDA announce that this will be the last year for MRDA champs in its current form.
MRDA spokesperson comments:
“To celebrate our inclusive policies, we will no longer be the MRDA (Men’s Roller Derby Association), but the MANFIPAPWUIAFBWDNFPFTLWLARDA (Men’s and non-female identifying person’s and person who usually identify as female, but who do not fancy playing for their local WFTDA league anymore’s roller derby association).”

Some other things that are part of people’s roller derby uniforms

Soon to be featured in a roller derby ad near you.

“Hi, my name is Tris Everdeen, I skate for the Derpshire Rollergirls, and a somewhat used sports bra is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Whirlygig, I skate for the Fartfordshire Rollers, and scratchy velcro is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Space Cowboy, I skate for the Lame County Rollers, and compression leggings that I never take off are part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Jiffy, I’m unaffiliated, and compression sleeves for my unbearable shin splints are part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Prima Vera, I skate for the Hot Monkey RollerDollz, and tape to hold all my gear together is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is GLaDOS, I skate for the Gilead Roller Maidens, and my mouth guard that I’ve currently stored somewhere in my pants is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Wingardium Furiosa, I skate for the Bolvangar Rollers, and fingernails that are way too long for a contact sport are part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Covfefe, I skate for Azeroth Roller Derby, and a brace for my severely injured knee is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Hannah, I skate for the Uncanny Valley Rollerboys, and a wedgie is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Mike Sandwich, I skate for Dongcaster Roller Derby, and make-up that smears all over other people’s uniforms is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Lack Toast and Tolerant, I mostly skate for challenge teams, and a top that I take off at any opportunity is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Tally McTallface, I skate for Los Santos Roller Derby, and an unnecessary helmet visor that only serves to hit other players in the face is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Gummivore, I skate for Detroit Roller Derby, and a belt is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Flibbertigibbet, I skate for V.F.D. Roller Derby, and TNOB’s ShoeLace™ Technology is part of my uniform.”

“Hi, my name is Scauld Evil, I skate for Gotham, and the blood of our enemies is part of my uniform.”

Ten roller derby apps that we wish existed

Ten roller derby apps that we really wish existed in real life:

An app for translating terminology between teams.
What is a “monkey” wall?? Oh, we call that the “teacups”.

An app to alert you when your kit needs washing.
No more stinky embarrassment at training!

An app that encourages you to go to practice when you are just not feeling it.
Because if you can drag yourself out of bed and get there, it will be worth it!

An app to automatically converts overseas derby bout schedules to your time zone.
Including a function to plan your naps during less interesting games.

An app to tell you which wheels to use for which floor.
Enter your available wheel selection, the venue, your position and slide preferences. Share your wheel choices and see what other skaters used!

An app that tells you the location of a league based on the name, abbreviation or logo.
Just point your camera at the logo and you are good to go!

An app to calculate ideal group sizes for a drill based on the number of people present at training.
Including a function to put all the annoying players in the same group.

An app to tell you what bootcamp level is right for you.
No more guessing at what “A team level” really means.

An app for updating bout day schedules in the face of inevitable delays.
Adjust the settings to decide which parts of the event can be cut short, like half times or lower level bouts.

An app to tell you whether two derby players with same surname are married or sisters.
Because we are too embarrassed to ask.

WFTDA Officials Certification System to be replaced with Magic 8-Ball

The Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) and the Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have announced the long-awaited end to the restructure of their Officials Certification System: the certification panels are to be replaced by a Magic 8-Ball.

In the past, certification panels served to assess officials’ rules and officiating knowledge and skill in order to provide certification of officials.
Certification, in turn, signifies an official’s excellence and qualification to officiate sanctioned and regulation roller derby gameplay.
The assessment of which officials are deserving of certification and have the skill to officiate WFTDA and MRDA tournaments will now be carried out by a Magic 8-Ball.

Heffalump, a WFTDA spokesperson, commented:
“We are happy to present a unified certification system that will better meet the needs both the WFTDA and the MRDA membership than the previous certification program.
We think this new Magic 8-Ball-based system will be better at identifying skill in roller derby officiating than the old panel-based system.”

“We have listened to the derby community and believe that this will be a much better, more reliable and less biased way to find the best referees and NSOs for staffing our tournaments.”

“We would like to apologise for the delay in re-opening the certification program, but we believe the wait and hard work will pay off for the future of roller derby officiating.
After the long break during the re-structure in which no certifications were processed, we are now happy to announce that we are accepting applications for officials’ certification once again.”

In answer to whether there would be any changes to the application process for officials seeking certification, Heffalump explained:
“As before, you will need to submit game evaluations and certification test results, which will be carefully considered by the Magic 8-Ball.
And, just as in the past, certification will continue to be an entry requirement for officiating the WFTDA, and now MRDA tournaments, to ensure a high level of officiating at these events.”

Top roller derby player claims to be doing 25 hours of exercise per day

A top roller derby skater has recently claimed on her roller derby fitness blog that she does 25 hours of exercise every day.

National team and Derpshire Allstars skater PyroJen writes daily posts on her blog, “PyroJen wrote a derby blog”, about roller derby fitness.

Recently, PyroJen revealed that 25 daily hours of exercise as well as the “Athletes’ 10” hours of nightly sleep have made her the derby player she is today.

PyroJen commented:
“Yes, it’s true. Between on-skates training, scrimmage and my off-skates workouts, it all adds up to 25 hours of exercise every day. As a leading member of my league’s coaching committee, I always tell our fresh meat skaters that this is the only way they will make it in roller derby.”

“For instance, while I was writing the blog post, I was lifting weights and doing core exercises. Also, I use my cat as a yoga weight. Most humans just have one core, but I have three! My whole day is really just a Rocky montage.”

“I model my exercise regime on the gym routines of famous skaters like Smarty Pants or Stephanie Mainey. They are excellent!”

“But it’s not all about the exercise! I also live on a nightly IV drip of nutritional yeast and am hoping to soon live only on pure energy.”

PyroJen commented further:
“I also recommend getting sports massages five times a week. I do foam rolling all the time, including right now. In fact, I sleep on a foam roller.
That way, my nightmares about falling into a bottomless void if I stop moving for even a second can become a workout in themselves!”

Roller derby skater retires again for the attention

A player who everyone thought had already retired from roller derby, announced another retirement this week to get more attention.

Sophomania, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, explained:
“I wanted to make sure that it was all about me again.”

“I had threatened to retire a few times before, when I was not selected for the Derpshire All Stars team.
I would rather not play roller derby at all than have to play at a mediocre level like my own.”

“Then I actually retired for a little while. It was great, people made a big deal out of my last bout and stuff.”

“But once that was over and done, I noticed that I was getting fewer and fewer likes on Facebook. I came back to roller derby just so that I could retire again for the attention.”

HeiHei, a player on the Derpshire All Stars Reserves team, commented:
“I don’t care if she stays or goes, but every time she does this I lose or gain my place on the roster, so I really hope she makes up her mind!”

Sophomania commented further:
“It’s hard to get enough social media attention without roller derby. My other options were getting a cat, having a baby, or writing unbearably philosophical Facebook posts about my mundane everyday life.”

“And of course, even though I’m retired, I’ll still make my opinions known in every roller derby discussion and stir drama wherever possible.”

WFTDA rules to be translated into Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki

Already, versions of the WFTDA rule book are available in English, German, French and Spanish.

The WFTDA have now announced plans to translate the rules of flat track roller derby into more languages, including Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki.

WFTDA spokesperson Ebony and Irony commented:
“After translating the WFTDA rule book into German, French and Spanish, Klingon seemed like the next logical step.”

“We wanted to focus on languages that are relevant to the roller derby community.
We want to ensure that players, officials and fans can access the important WFTDA rules documents and information in the language of their choice.”

These new versions of the rules will be available on the WFTDA website as soon as possible but the WFTDA are looking for volunteers to help with the translation task.

Ebony and Irony commented:
“If you want to be involved in the translation process, please get in touch with the WFTDA rules committee.
You will need to include a sample of your work by translating a rule of your choice into the relevant language.”

“You can also contact the WFTDA rules committee for any further language translation requests of the rule book.”

“We are currently prioritising Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki.
But in the future we are planning translations into Latin, Parseltongue, simple English, Minion, Pirate, Newspeak, Emojis and Scottish.”

Breaking news: WFTDA Championships update

Exclusive news update from the 2016 WFTDA Championships in Portland.

Jammer eats actual baby.
“I’ve always found that phrase confusing. Well, I’ve certainly protein loaded now.”

Sports court still worst court.
Better options said to include wood, concrete, royal and legal court.

All games so far ended in hugs, not fist fights.
Male players confused.

Gotham think they are ‘the good guys’.
Disagreeing with this is literally everybody.

Scientists discover new types of geometric shape in roller derby walls.
First reported sighting of a rombangle and a trimond outside of computational simulations.

Referee to be treated for jamnesia.
“One second I knew it all, the penalties, the points, the passes, and then suddenly … It was all gone!”

‘Rotational violence’ to blame for global warming.
But TNOB’s new helmet technology laboratory are on the case.

MRDA to award travel stipend to the biggest whiner

Recent rumours that the 2017 Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) Championships may be held in Europe led to outrage on social media. Numerous American roller derby players stated that it was simply impossible to fundraise enough money to bring a team to another continent.

In response to this, the MRDA have now announced that to cover the increased cost of playing at the MRDA Championships in the UK they will award a travel stipend to the player who is the most whiny about this situation.

MRDA spokesperson Billy Rubin explained:
“We understand that having to be on social media all day long leaves very little time for budgeting and fundraising.”

Applicants may approach the MRDA via any social media platform, including Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and can do this under their real name, derby name or any pseudonym they choose. You just have to use the new MRDA hashtag: #MayTheBestManWhine

Particular points will be awarded for the most outrageous whining, examples of which could include: ‘We’ve never had to fundraise before’, or ‘I can’t travel to MRDA Champs in Europe because of my criminal record’.

Billy Rubin elaborated:
“Overall, we feel that this is the right move, as the loudest whiners are clearly those who want and need it the most and they are the people we should be supporting.”

“We want to send the message that in this organisation, you can have anything you want as long as you demand it loudly enough.”