Roller derby player is overly proud of uncontrolled hit

Low Polly, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, was seen being overly proud of a highly uncontrolled hit that she performed during a recent Derpshire Rollergirls vs Fartfordshire Rollers bout.

Low Polly comments:
“It was such a great hit. I completely took out the opposing jammer.
I mean sure, my hit took me entirely out of bounds, but I really floored that jammer and that’s what counts.”

“I may have been completely useless to my team for an extended period of time after my hit, but that’s not what matters.
I also took out two referees by accident, but that just makes me more awesome!”

“Controlled gameplay is really overrated.
In fresh meat they teach us about being controlled and falling ‘small’ and stuff. But all that is not so important in actual roller derby gameplay.”

“In fact, my reckless style of play gets me all the player awards.
You might say that my complete lack of regard for other people’s safety almost gives me an unfair advantage: I’m not held back by unnecessary safety-related caution.”

Dorothy Fail, captain of the Fartfordshire Rollers says:
“Yeah, she is known for being a danger. But our team still voted to give her the best blocker award.
When we discussed awards on our way to the hospital, she was the player that stood out the most.”

Low Polly commented further:
“My uncontrolled hits are not illegal!
There are no rules against this, so why should I play differently?”

“It doesn’t say anywhere in the WFTDA rules that you have to finish a hit inside the track, or upright or in any control whatsoever.
So this is clearly not something that is considered important in the game of roller derby.”


Breaking news: MRDA champs update

American visitors tricked into thinking that Wales is worth visiting.
Welsh people: “It’s lush!”

MRDA players wondering if forming walls may be a useful roller derby strategy.
Rumours say this might help to stop the opposing jammer.

Accessory of the year: slightly too long beard.
MRDA player comments: “Hi, my name is Alan Turning, I play for a southern English men’s roller derby team, and a slightly too long beard is part of my uniform.”

MRDA team actually think that their playing style is slow and controlled.
Team captain comments: “Our team’s style is to play very slow and controlled and the 93 penalties we received in the last game are all part of that style.”

Captain of GateKeepers makes prediction on championship game:
“I’d say our chances of winning and subsequently breaking an NSO’s leg today are pretty good.”

MRDA players are shopping for teams to transfer to next season.
Anonymous player from a West Coast team comments:
“You have to keep these things in mind. For all I know, my team may have disbanded by next month.”

MRDA announce that this will be the last year for MRDA champs in its current form.
MRDA spokesperson comments:
“To celebrate our inclusive policies, we will no longer be the MRDA (Men’s Roller Derby Association), but the MANFIPAPWUIAFBWDNFPFTLWLARDA (Men’s and non-female identifying person’s and person who usually identify as female, but who do not fancy playing for their local WFTDA league anymore’s roller derby association).”

Roller derby skater retires again for the attention

A player who everyone thought had already retired from roller derby, announced another retirement this week to get more attention.

Sophomania, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, explained:
“I wanted to make sure that it was all about me again.”

“I had threatened to retire a few times before, when I was not selected for the Derpshire All Stars team.
I would rather not play roller derby at all than have to play at a mediocre level like my own.”

“Then I actually retired for a little while. It was great, people made a big deal out of my last bout and stuff.”

“But once that was over and done, I noticed that I was getting fewer and fewer likes on Facebook. I came back to roller derby just so that I could retire again for the attention.”

HeiHei, a player on the Derpshire All Stars Reserves team, commented:
“I don’t care if she stays or goes, but every time she does this I lose or gain my place on the roster, so I really hope she makes up her mind!”

Sophomania commented further:
“It’s hard to get enough social media attention without roller derby. My other options were getting a cat, having a baby, or writing unbearably philosophical Facebook posts about my mundane everyday life.”

“And of course, even though I’m retired, I’ll still make my opinions known in every roller derby discussion and stir drama wherever possible.”

Woman does not get ticket for highly popular roller derby event – life ruined

This summer will see the highly awaited rematch of the Derpshire Rollergirls vs Metropolis Girls Roller Derby.

As expected for such a sought after event, tickets sold out within minutes of being released.

Hellphaba, of the Fartfordshire Rollers, was one of the unfortunate people who missed out on obtaining a ticket to the event and she has found her life falling apart because of it.

Hellphaba commented:
“I never even considered the possibility that I might not get a ticket to this very popular event. I mean, I really wanted one, so I basically deserve to have one, right?”

“I hit that refresh button on the ticket website for 20 minutes trying to get tickets for this roller derby event. And now that I haven’t got a ticket I just feel stupid and empty inside. Light will never be light again, it’s all darkness from here on out.”

“It was the worst 20 minutes of my life. I’m close to a breakdown.”

“I have a loving family and a good life, but that’s all ruined now. Thanks a lot, Derpshire!”

“Derpshire Rollergirls have made me realise that I can’t have everything in life and I hate them for it.
They have ruined roller derby for everyone.”

“I simply deserve a ticket to this event. I think it’s my right to see this event live. After all, I invested a whole twenty minutes on that ticket website.”

“It’s just not fair that the number of tickets is limited.
I’ve never had a problem getting a ticket for any of Fartfordshire’s bouts or any of the British champs bouts; even on the door. I don’t see why this bout should be any different! I want a ticket, dammit!”

“They say there were lots of tickets, but maybe they are lying. If there were so many tickets, how could they ever sell out? This all seems very shifty to me.”

“I bet they do this on purpose. They put on this whole event because They really wanted me to be sad.”

Shortly after the tickets sold out, Hellphaba voiced her anger on social media:
“Sold out!!! WTF I’ve been refreshing like mad #worst20minutesOfMyLive.”

“Being annoyed on social media has definitely made things better for me.”

“I see that lots of other loud and angry people on Facebook who missed out because it was sold out so quickly. I don’t understand? Clearly nobody got tickets!”

“They just don’t understand how much this game means to me. It’s a once in a lifetime! I have wanted to see it ever since my friend linked me to the Facebook announcement a few days ago.”

“This other woman from my league managed to get a ticket. Why does she get to go and I don’t? I hate everything now.”

“I have never organised an event like that, but I am sure if I did, I would have done it better.
We never have any complaints when we organise bouts in our league. Last time, all 30 people who came loved it. If Derpshire are so good, they should be able to sort out an event with over a thousand people no problem.
If they are so good, then why have they made me feel this way?”

“I would say I am gutted, but that isn’t the word.
I am crushed beyond imagination.
I am heartbroken.
I am just an empty shell of a woman now.
Nothing this bad has ever happened to me and nothing worse ever will.
I just cannot cope anymore.”

“They really need to do something to make up for the pain they have caused me.
I am so stressed out about this that I will probably have to take time off work. And I think Derpshire should compensate me for that.
Their mistakes have literally ruined my life.
I made so many sacrifices to be able to sit at a computer at the time the tickets went up. My life will never be the same.”

“I used to think the glass was half full, but Derpshire have taken the glass from me and smashed it on the floor. That’s how terrible they are.”

“I might just quit roller derby all together over this. There is just no joy in it anymore. All because of Derpshire.”

When we asked the Derpshire Rollergirls for a statement, a spokesperson commented:
“I can confirm that we literally put on this event to ruin your life.
I would love to continue chatting, but I have training later and a full-time job also this giant international event to organise.”

Looking to the future, Hellphaba commented:
“Maybe I’ll just apply to officiate or announce at this event. They owe me that.”

“Anyway, I have to go now because I am sure there are other things waiting to be complained about.”

Roller derby captain’s meeting drinking game

Before the start of a roller derby game, the head referee will meet with representatives from each team, usually captains and alternates, in the captain’s meeting.
During the captain’s meeting the head ref will go over the rules and procedures of the bout with the team representatives.

Have you already had the chance to enjoy captain’s meetings? Are you about to go to your first captain’s meeting?

Either way, you can now drink your way to a happier captain’s meeting using our captain’s meeting drinking game!

Take a (discreet!) drink for each of the following:

o Captain’s meeting is awkwardly scheduled to clash with all your team’s essential pre-bout prep.

o No location is specified for the captain’s meeting, making it impossible for the relevant parties to find each other at the scheduled time.

o One team’s reps are late. Take one drink for each minute of time wasted.

o Head ref turns up with their ‘captains-meeting binder’.

o Head ref evades questions from teams about recent rules updates and clarifications.
Take one drink for each evasion tactic:
– The head ref simply quotes the relevant rule from the rule book, but offers no further clarification.
– Head ref claims that more intricate questions had to be submitted beforehand, though no team was made aware of this.
– Head ref instead discusses a clarification that nobody cares about (e.g. the width of stripes on referee uniforms).

o Team reps look befuddled at the concept of a recent rules update or clarification.
Take one drink for each team rep who looks like they are just nodding along.

o Head ref comes up with insane venue- or event-specific rules.
These are often brought up under the guise of ‘safety’ but may in reality be more about something that the head ref needs to work through emotionally.
Take one drink for each made-up rule. Possible examples include:
– No hitting on one side of the track due to lack of room outside the track.
– Time does not stop during any time outs.
– As the venue only allows for a 90% size track, teams may only field three blockers per jam and the engagement zone ends 10ft from the pack.
– No red-coloured items to be worn, because they might attract vampires.

Bonus: It is not really possible to object to any of these insanities, because it would likely mean having to cancel the bout after everyone has travelled there. Take another drink to get through these tough times.

Take extra drinks if it later turns out that these rule changes were only relayed to a portion of the people who needed to know about them (officials, teams, etc).

o Captain’s meeting takes far longer than necessary.

o The head ref warns that teams are not allowed to talk to any official other than the head ref.

o Team reps ask inane question about the rules that could easily be answered from reading the rules (‘How will you be assessing cuts?’), instead of focusing on important questions that cannot be answered simply by looking at the rule book (‘How will you be assessing forearms?’).

o Head ref makes completely unrealistic promises about the skills, attitudes and procedures of their crew (‘We will keep on top of that.’, ‘We are here to ensure a fair and save game.’)

o Head ref details fouling out and expulsion procedure and you just know they cannot wait for this to happen.

o 90% of the information discussed during the captain’s meeting is not useful for either team.

o Head ref declares themselves Supreme and Benevolent Leader of this bout/tournament and clarifies that any and all questioning or back talk from the teams may lead to beheadings.

o Neither team has brought a jammer ref identifier. Items from teams’ merch stalls are quickly repurposed.

o The head NSO hands the teams a stack of evals that they cannot wait to fill out in a professional manner (i.e. give to their least drunk supporter in the audience to fill in).

o One team bombards head ref with rules clarifications that are clearly meant to work in favour of their team and against the other team’s style.

o Time comes to a standstill.
Children are born, people die, lives are lived, the cure for cancer is found, several rare species go extinct and glaciers disappear forever; but you are still in this meeting.

o International records are broken for exchanging the least amount of useful information in the longest possible time. And all this while there are several important topics that could be discussed.

o The head ref completely forgets to address important questions like switching benches at half time or comparing team colours.
Take an extra drink if they have to be reminded by the teams.

o You have lost all sense of purpose and hope. You cannot remember why you are even here.

o The head ref makes comparison to previous captain’s meetings that they have lead (‘This was much shorter than my usual meetings!’).

o At the end of the meeting you still have no idea how forearm penalties will be assessed in this bout.

**Anticlockwiseblog does not endorse skaters, bench staff or officials to be intoxicated during a bout.

Roller derby skater fouls out in first jam

The bout of Derpshire Rollergirls vs the Lame County Rollers this past weekend marked the first time that a skater fouled out during the first jam of a game.

Westspinster, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, accumulated seven penalties during the first jam and had to sit out the rest of the game, leaving her team one player short.

Westspinster was fielded by her team as a blocker in the first jam of the game. By the end of the jam the game was over for her.

The bout’s head referee explained how the one-jam foul out came to be:

“The skater committed a False Start by touching the jammer line and was issued a False Start warning. But she carried on skating forwards, causing the referee to issue a Failure to Yield penalty.”

“During this time, the skater also committed a Cut Track on the inside line, cutting two of her team mates. She didn’t react to this penalty either, and was issued an Insubordination penalty before finally leaving the track to head towards the penalty box.

“When she entered the penalty box area, she lost control and hit the penalty box chairs in such a way that the penalty box NSOs had to move out of the way to avoid being hit. She was issued a Misconduct penalty for this.”

“During the communication of this penalty by an outside pack ref, the skater must have misunderstood and thought that she could leave the penalty box. She left the box before finishing her penalty time, which constituted an Illegal Procedure penalty, and reentered the track in front of two other blockers from her own team who formed part of the pack. For this she was issued an Illegal Reentry penalty.”

“At this point the skater seemed exasperated and made a rude gesture whilst on her way to the box, thus earning a final Misconduct penalty.”

After her foul out a skater from her team had to sit in the penalty box to serve the remainder of Westspinster’s penalty time, which was a total of three minutes and twenty-eight seconds.

During the entire jam, Westspinster never once made contact with another skater nor did she gain relative position on a single opponent.

Bench coach’s half time speech solely responsible for turning game around

Fartfordshire Rollergirls are victorious entirely due to half time team speech given by bench coach.

Last weekend saw Fartfordshire Rollergirls face off against the Netherregion Rollers. Going into half time, Netherregion were leading by over 200 points. But in a completely unprecedented game twist, Fartfordshire ended up taking the game with a final score of 400:205.

In a post-game interview, Fartfordshire captain Holy Molly stated that the outcome out of the was entirely thanks to an inspiring half time talk by the team’s bench coach Mr Tea.

“We didn’t know what we were doing. We were just running around like headless chickens.” Holy Molly said. “Tea asked us ‘DO YOU WANT TO WIN THIS GAME???’ – Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it until then. But once he said that it became our main goal. Tea also said that to win the game we ‘needed to try and stop the opposition from scoring points and also try to score more points ourselves’ – such an eye opener! This is simply not at all what we had been practicing in the lead up to this game!”

Mr Tea commented: “My girls did great. I’m so proud that I won this game.”