With the 2017 WFTDA championships approaching, the players of the Gotham Girls Roller Derby All-Stars team have vowed to be their most evil selves yet.
Gotham have long been known for their villainous style of playing roller derby, which involves never smiling and wearing the derby equivalent of a black turtle neck as their uniform (made by the most evilest of sponsors!).
But this year Gotham have vowed to take villainous roller derby to a whole new level.
An anonymous player from Gotham commented:
“We have been working very hard on this. We want to win and we want to do it in the most evillish of ways.
We have not won the Hydra in the last two years, because we had turned soft. But this year we are back!”
“We will smile less than ever. We don’t care how good you are, Gotham does not smile!
We always want to look like we are having a bad time. We are here to win, not to enjoy roller derby.
We will not allow any cracks in our armour of evil. One time Bonnie Thunders was seen smiling, so we shipped her off to Smiley-Muesli Land.”
“To be the most evil team, we will applaud whenever an opposing player gets a penalty, we will signal to the referees for extra penalties any way we can and, meanwhile, we will act shocked when we get called on penalties. And we are all getting our teeth sharpened tomorrow!”
“Nobody cheers for us, but we will cheer for ourselves after every jam.
*Villainous and joyless laugh.*”
“And finally we are also changing our hashtag from #HiveMind to #HornetsNest.”
Watch the action on November 3-5 live in Philadelphia or on WFTDA.tv and ESPN2.
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Welsh people: “It’s lush!”
MRDA players wondering if forming walls may be a useful roller derby strategy.
Rumours say this might help to stop the opposing jammer.
Accessory of the year: slightly too long beard.
MRDA player comments: “Hi, my name is Alan Turning, I play for a southern English men’s roller derby team, and a slightly too long beard is part of my uniform.”
MRDA team actually think that their playing style is slow and controlled.
Team captain comments: “Our team’s style is to play very slow and controlled and the 93 penalties we received in the last game are all part of that style.”
Captain of GateKeepers makes prediction on championship game:
“I’d say our chances of winning and subsequently breaking an NSO’s leg today are pretty good.”
MRDA players are shopping for teams to transfer to next season.
Anonymous player from a West Coast team comments:
“You have to keep these things in mind. For all I know, my team may have disbanded by next month.”
MRDA announce that this will be the last year for MRDA champs in its current form.
MRDA spokesperson comments:
“To celebrate our inclusive policies, we will no longer be the MRDA (Men’s Roller Derby Association), but the MANFIPAPWUIAFBWDNFPFTLWLARDA (Men’s and non-female identifying person’s and person who usually identify as female, but who do not fancy playing for their local WFTDA league anymore’s roller derby association).”
Exclusive news update from the 2016 WFTDA Championships in Portland.
Jammer eats actual baby.
“I’ve always found that phrase confusing. Well, I’ve certainly protein loaded now.”
Sports court still worst court.
Better options said to include wood, concrete, royal and legal court.
All games so far ended in hugs, not fist fights.
Male players confused.
Gotham think they are ‘the good guys’.
Disagreeing with this is literally everybody.
Scientists discover new types of geometric shape in roller derby walls.
First reported sighting of a rombangle and a trimond outside of computational simulations.
Referee to be treated for jamnesia.
“One second I knew it all, the penalties, the points, the passes, and then suddenly … It was all gone!”
‘Rotational violence’ to blame for global warming.
But TNOB’s new helmet technology laboratory are on the case.