Roller derby player is overly proud of uncontrolled hit

Low Polly, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, was seen being overly proud of a highly uncontrolled hit that she performed during a recent Derpshire Rollergirls vs Fartfordshire Rollers bout.

Low Polly comments:
“It was such a great hit. I completely took out the opposing jammer.
I mean sure, my hit took me entirely out of bounds, but I really floored that jammer and that’s what counts.”

“I may have been completely useless to my team for an extended period of time after my hit, but that’s not what matters.
I also took out two referees by accident, but that just makes me more awesome!”

“Controlled gameplay is really overrated.
In fresh meat they teach us about being controlled and falling ‘small’ and stuff. But all that is not so important in actual roller derby gameplay.”

“In fact, my reckless style of play gets me all the player awards.
You might say that my complete lack of regard for other people’s safety almost gives me an unfair advantage: I’m not held back by unnecessary safety-related caution.”

Dorothy Fail, captain of the Fartfordshire Rollers says:
“Yeah, she is known for being a danger. But our team still voted to give her the best blocker award.
When we discussed awards on our way to the hospital, she was the player that stood out the most.”

Low Polly commented further:
“My uncontrolled hits are not illegal!
There are no rules against this, so why should I play differently?”

“It doesn’t say anywhere in the WFTDA rules that you have to finish a hit inside the track, or upright or in any control whatsoever.
So this is clearly not something that is considered important in the game of roller derby.”


Top roller derby player claims to be doing 25 hours of exercise per day

A top roller derby skater has recently claimed on her roller derby fitness blog that she does 25 hours of exercise every day.

National team and Derpshire Allstars skater PyroJen writes daily posts on her blog, “PyroJen wrote a derby blog”, about roller derby fitness.

Recently, PyroJen revealed that 25 daily hours of exercise as well as the “Athletes’ 10” hours of nightly sleep have made her the derby player she is today.

PyroJen commented:
“Yes, it’s true. Between on-skates training, scrimmage and my off-skates workouts, it all adds up to 25 hours of exercise every day. As a leading member of my league’s coaching committee, I always tell our fresh meat skaters that this is the only way they will make it in roller derby.”

“For instance, while I was writing the blog post, I was lifting weights and doing core exercises. Also, I use my cat as a yoga weight. Most humans just have one core, but I have three! My whole day is really just a Rocky montage.”

“I model my exercise regime on the gym routines of famous skaters like Smarty Pants or Stephanie Mainey. They are excellent!”

“But it’s not all about the exercise! I also live on a nightly IV drip of nutritional yeast and am hoping to soon live only on pure energy.”

PyroJen commented further:
“I also recommend getting sports massages five times a week. I do foam rolling all the time, including right now. In fact, I sleep on a foam roller.
That way, my nightmares about falling into a bottomless void if I stop moving for even a second can become a workout in themselves!”

WFTDA to publish the rules of fresh meat roller derby

The members of the WFTDA rules committee have come together to develop a rule set for beginner’s or ‘fresh meat’ roller derby.

WFTDA spokesperson Onyxia commented:
‘We felt that this was a necessary step.
Adapting the rules of roller derby in this way will allow beginners to play without every player fouling out in the first five minutes.’

A summary of the most important changes from the standard rule set is exclusively shown here:

Out of Play
There are no limits to the engagement zone, the pack is everywhere.
Pack definition is not monitored and no failure to reform penalties are given.

Track cuts
There are no track boundary lines. Any lines on the floor mean nothing and can be ignored. Any potential cuts can be undone by skating back on the track.

Illegal procedures
There are no illegal reentries; players can reenter the track anywhere.

False start
There is no such thing as a false start. Players can start anywhere they want.

Penalty enforcement
Leaving the track when being called on a penalty is entirely optional.

Game parameters
Immediately after the start whistle of a jam, there will be a five second delay to give everyone the chance to clarify if the jam has really started and what those confusing whistles mean.

Verbal cues
Referees will not communicate with players beyond issuing penalties. Warnings and prompts to return to the bench are just too confusing.

Impact metrics
Finally, the new rule set will show the following diagram to clarify impact assessment in fresh meat roller derby.


Study shows that roller derby freshies have no clue what is happening on track

A recent study has shown that beginner roller derby skaters have literally got no clue about what is happening during gameplay.

Results showed that skaters thought there were on average between one and three jammers in a given jam.

Skaters found it confusing that “lots of stuff happens” and that “it all happens really fast”.

When asked how points are scored in roller derby, the majority of skaters indicated that they thought it involved magic.

Skaters were also found to be mystified by floor markings of any kind. One skater knew that blockers had line up “in front of that one line”. But was completely shaken in her beliefs when another skater suggested lining up “just behind that other line” at the jam start.

Penalties and interactions with referees were found to be significant sources of confusion.

Hannah, who has recently passed her minimum skills with the Derpshire Rollergirls commented:

“I asked the ref if I could call the jam. But he just gave me a blank stare and pointed at me.

“Then I was blocked off the track and tried to get back on as quickly as possible. But then the ref said I had to go off again and go to the penalty box. It’s soooo confusing!”

“Also, there are so many whistles! What do they all mean???”

Roller derby skater wins her 100th award certificate in rookie bout

This last weekend Hashbrown NoFilter of the Funbridge Rollers was awarded her 100th skater award certificate in a rookie bout.

Hashbrown, who started skating four years ago, has taken part in over two hundred beginner bouts, rookie bouts and cherry poppers. In addition, she has also participated in over fifty mixed scrimmages, mini tournaments, sur5als and other non-bout format roller derby events.

Across these bouts, she has been awarded a total of one hundred best blocker, best jammer or most valuable player (MVP) certificates.

Hashbrown commented: “I’m so chuffed at winning all these awards. I didn’t win any initially. But after my 20th bout or so they started coming in. And now I get an award pretty much every time!”

When asked how she was able to take part in so many rookie bouts, Hashbrown commented: “They usually say that the Cherry Poppers are for players who have played up to three bouts. But, like, that only counts bouts with your travel team.” Within her home league Hashbrown has not yet reached travel team level.

“I’ll be on the team soon. I mean, those awards speak for themselves!”