MRDA to award travel stipend to the biggest whiner

Recent rumours that the 2017 Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) Championships may be held in Europe led to outrage on social media. Numerous American roller derby players stated that it was simply impossible to fundraise enough money to bring a team to another continent.

In response to this, the MRDA have now announced that to cover the increased cost of playing at the MRDA Championships in the UK they will award a travel stipend to the player who is the most whiny about this situation.

MRDA spokesperson Billy Rubin explained:
“We understand that having to be on social media all day long leaves very little time for budgeting and fundraising.”

Applicants may approach the MRDA via any social media platform, including Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and can do this under their real name, derby name or any pseudonym they choose. You just have to use the new MRDA hashtag: #MayTheBestManWhine

Particular points will be awarded for the most outrageous whining, examples of which could include: ‘We’ve never had to fundraise before’, or ‘I can’t travel to MRDA Champs in Europe because of my criminal record’.

Billy Rubin elaborated:
“Overall, we feel that this is the right move, as the loudest whiners are clearly those who want and need it the most and they are the people we should be supporting.”

“We want to send the message that in this organisation, you can have anything you want as long as you demand it loudly enough.”

Men’s roller derby has officially arrived in 2009

Following their recent 2016 Championship near Dallas, Texas, the Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have proudly announced that men’s roller derby has finally reached the level of 2009 women’s derby.

Bad Hombre, an MRDA spokesperson, commented:
“We are so proud to have reached this point.
It’s been a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears (sometimes literally).”

“I was ecstatic to see the level of play at this year’s MRDA champs, and how passionately people, on and off the track, feel about our sport.
It just shows how far men’s derby has come.”

Looking to future, Bad Hombre said:
“Obviously we still have a long way to go. But there are exciting times ahead for the MRDA.”

“After reaching this milestone I simply cannot wait for the year when we finally learn to play in walls.”

Success: Every North American men’s roller derby fan gets ticket to Men’s World Cup

The organisers of the Men’s Roller Derby World Cup (MRDWC), to be held in Calgary this weekend, have reported a major success in their ticket sales.

MRDWC spokesperson Ultracrepidarian commented:
“We are happy to announce that every single North American men’s roller derby fan was able to get a ticket for this event. We really feel like we have been able to connect with the main fan base of men’s roller derby.”

Buyers of tickets were ecstatic at the prospect of seeing the men’s World Cup live. Thingama Bob, of the Lame County Rollers, commented:
“I bought a ticket, because I really wanted a nice quiet weekend and some solitude. I’m looking forward to it just being me, my poutine and an empty row of seats. It will be glorious.”

Ultracrepidarian elaborated on some of the opportunities offered to fans this weekend because of the sales record:
“We are going to do this new system where every audience member is personally paired up with a player to high-five during the victory round. We just need to sell a few more tickets so that no player is left out.”

The start of the Men’s Roller Derby World Cup has been smooth so far, though MRDWC organisers were somewhat baffled during team registration to find that there are more national teams in Europe and in South America than in North America.
“We were very surprised. We had no idea. We thought maybe the USA and Canada would get at least three national teams. But apparently that’s not how it works.”

Come to Calgary this weekend to see the best of men’s roller derby, or follow the action on the live stream!

St. Louis Gatekeepers to be the official villains of this year’s MRDA championships

The Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have confirmed the St. Louis Gatekeepers to be the official villains of this year’s MRDA championship tournament.

MRDA spokesperson Faraday Rage explained: “All the MRDA teams came together, discussed the situation and everyone agreed that those Gatekeeper guys are not very nice and we do not like them.”

The Championships will see the best ten MRDA teams battle it out on the track for the championship trophy, which last year was won by Your Mom, with the St. Louis Gatekeepers coming in second. This year will see St. Louis coming in at seed two and playing the winner of Bridgetown Menace vs TC Terrors in their first game.

The Gatekeepers are in fact the hosts of this year’s MRDA Championship tournament – River City Rumble – which is to take place in St. Louis, MO. As well as being home to the Gatekeepers, St. Louis also houses the headquarters of Monsanto, the infamous agrochemical corporation.

Coincidence?

Much like Monsanto, the Gatekeepers, too, are known to be harmful to human health and society. It has been said that the reason that both Monsanto and the Gatekeepers are so successful is that they do not care about the damage they cause; they only care about the profits.

They have both accumulated a lot of power in their respective realms, but leave human tragedies in their wake.

A participating player who wants to remain anonymous commented: “I’m not saying that they are bad people, but if you google St. Louis Gatekeepers, the first suggestion is ‘unbelievably and one hundred percent evil’.”

“The Gatekeepers have clearly trained hard to be one of the best teams in the world. Games just seem to magically go their way. We’ve sometimes wondered if they bring their own Monsanto genetically-modified officials that they can control with chemicals and stuff.”

“But we have learned so much from playing them in the past. Our medical knowledge of bout injuries has really improved. Thanks, chaps, for making us better!

“We do look forward to our game against the Gatekeepers and we also look forward to the end of our inevitable injury-recovery periods post-game.”

“We cannot help but wonder if the Gatekeepers are trying to lure us into a trap by hosting MRDA champs.”

Throughout the tournament, the Gatekeepers will be supported by their home crowd, which included their sister team Arch Rival Rollergirls: a team who prove that women, too, can be villains.

An anonymous player from a European team commented: “The Gatekeepers are a great and skilful team, and playing them would be jolly good fun! Like gouging your eyes out is fun.”

Some have suggested that the Gatekeepers may in fact be yet another product of Monsanto itself, created to amass power and profit and spread evil:
“DDT, PCBs, agent Orange and now the Gatekeepers.”

The big question for the MRDA championships remains: Will the other teams be able to stop the Gatekeepers, before they cause irreparable harm to human health? Will good will triumph over evil? Can we stop the Gatekeepers from imposing a new world order?

The St. Louis Gatekeepers commented: “We look forward to hosting and destroying you all. See you soon, xxx.”

Watch the action on 17th and 18th October live in St. Louis or on WFTDA.tv.

 

Men’s European Cup winner to be decided by giant dick wagging contest

The organisers of the Men’s European Cup (MEC) have announced that the true winner of the tournament will be decided by a dick wagging contest immediately following the final game.

The games of the tournament will go ahead as scheduled and the team that win the final game will be awarded the cup. But the true winner of this Men’s Derby tournament will be decided through a dick wagging contest at the end of the tournament.

An MEC participant commented: “We’ve all been training very hard for this tournament. Extra scrimmage sessions, weightlifting and endurance have been added to the weekly training schedule.”

“This weekend will be great! The athleticism, apex jumps and team work, the speed and the big hits. But that is not what Men’s Roller Derby is really about.”

“Roller derby might be all about challenging yourself, athleticism, empowerment, hard work and dedication. But in Men’s Roller Derby we ultimately just want to find out who has the biggest dick.”

“We believe that this step will further the development of Men’s Roller Derby and offer a truly male perspective in this female-dominated sport.”

A French player commented that he would come prepared and clad in his finest little red towel.

Up and coming players from a number of Northern teams were hopeful about their chances. But a middle aged player from a Southern team commented: “I’ll show these young whippersnappers what’s what!”

Forward skating banned at Men’s European Cup

The organisers of the Men’s European Cup (MEC) have announced a tournament-specific addition to the rules stating that it will be illegal for blockers to skate forwards during gameplay.

Blockers who are seen skating forward whilst executing a block will immediately be issued a “Forward skating” penalty by the officials. Skating forward temporarily without attempting to make contact with another skater will be classed under “no impact/no penalty”.

MEC organisers commented: “This simply reflects what our participants want and the way they are already playing. We feel that we have to be flexible about adapting the rules as game dynamics change over time.”

“Backward skating has become so predominant in European Men’s derby that players have become much more proficient at playing this way. Forward skating is at this point a nearly extinct practice that makes for boring gameplay.”

“Forward skating simply presents a safety issue for a lot of our participating skaters. Many of them practice so little forward skating that they are not able to safely execute a block whilst skating forward. That is why we have decided to ban this outdated practice altogether from the tournament.”

“Forward skating is like the baseball slide. It’s just no longer relevant to modern Men’s roller derby and presents nothing but flashy, hazardous gameplay.”

When asked if they expect many Forward skating penalties to be issued during the MEC tournament, the organisers answered: “We think it’s pretty unlikely that we’ll see many skaters doing this.”

It remains to be seen whether these rule changes will be extended to jammers in upcoming years.