The Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have confirmed the St. Louis Gatekeepers to be the official villains of this year’s MRDA championship tournament.
MRDA spokesperson Faraday Rage explained: “All the MRDA teams came together, discussed the situation and everyone agreed that those Gatekeeper guys are not very nice and we do not like them.”
The Championships will see the best ten MRDA teams battle it out on the track for the championship trophy, which last year was won by Your Mom, with the St. Louis Gatekeepers coming in second. This year will see St. Louis coming in at seed two and playing the winner of Bridgetown Menace vs TC Terrors in their first game.
The Gatekeepers are in fact the hosts of this year’s MRDA Championship tournament – River City Rumble – which is to take place in St. Louis, MO. As well as being home to the Gatekeepers, St. Louis also houses the headquarters of Monsanto, the infamous agrochemical corporation.
Much like Monsanto, the Gatekeepers, too, are known to be harmful to human health and society. It has been said that the reason that both Monsanto and the Gatekeepers are so successful is that they do not care about the damage they cause; they only care about the profits.
They have both accumulated a lot of power in their respective realms, but leave human tragedies in their wake.
A participating player who wants to remain anonymous commented: “I’m not saying that they are bad people, but if you google St. Louis Gatekeepers, the first suggestion is ‘unbelievably and one hundred percent evil’.”
“The Gatekeepers have clearly trained hard to be one of the best teams in the world. Games just seem to magically go their way. We’ve sometimes wondered if they bring their own Monsanto genetically-modified officials that they can control with chemicals and stuff.”
“But we have learned so much from playing them in the past. Our medical knowledge of bout injuries has really improved. Thanks, chaps, for making us better!
“We do look forward to our game against the Gatekeepers and we also look forward to the end of our inevitable injury-recovery periods post-game.”
“We cannot help but wonder if the Gatekeepers are trying to lure us into a trap by hosting MRDA champs.”
Throughout the tournament, the Gatekeepers will be supported by their home crowd, which included their sister team Arch Rival Rollergirls: a team who prove that women, too, can be villains.
An anonymous player from a European team commented: “The Gatekeepers are a great and skilful team, and playing them would be jolly good fun! Like gouging your eyes out is fun.”
Some have suggested that the Gatekeepers may in fact be yet another product of Monsanto itself, created to amass power and profit and spread evil:
“DDT, PCBs, agent Orange and now the Gatekeepers.”
The big question for the MRDA championships remains: Will the other teams be able to stop the Gatekeepers, before they cause irreparable harm to human health? Will good will triumph over evil? Can we stop the Gatekeepers from imposing a new world order?
The St. Louis Gatekeepers commented: “We look forward to hosting and destroying you all. See you soon, xxx.”
Watch the action on 17th and 18th October live in St. Louis or on WFTDA.tv.