Breaking news: MRDA champs update

American visitors tricked into thinking that Wales is worth visiting.
Welsh people: “It’s lush!”

MRDA players wondering if forming walls may be a useful roller derby strategy.
Rumours say this might help to stop the opposing jammer.

Accessory of the year: slightly too long beard.
MRDA player comments: “Hi, my name is Alan Turning, I play for a southern English men’s roller derby team, and a slightly too long beard is part of my uniform.”

MRDA team actually think that their playing style is slow and controlled.
Team captain comments: “Our team’s style is to play very slow and controlled and the 93 penalties we received in the last game are all part of that style.”

Captain of GateKeepers makes prediction on championship game:
“I’d say our chances of winning and subsequently breaking an NSO’s leg today are pretty good.”

MRDA players are shopping for teams to transfer to next season.
Anonymous player from a West Coast team comments:
“You have to keep these things in mind. For all I know, my team may have disbanded by next month.”

MRDA announce that this will be the last year for MRDA champs in its current form.
MRDA spokesperson comments:
“To celebrate our inclusive policies, we will no longer be the MRDA (Men’s Roller Derby Association), but the MANFIPAPWUIAFBWDNFPFTLWLARDA (Men’s and non-female identifying person’s and person who usually identify as female, but who do not fancy playing for their local WFTDA league anymore’s roller derby association).”

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WFTDA Officials Certification System to be replaced with Magic 8-Ball

The Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) and the Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have announced the long-awaited end to the restructure of their Officials Certification System: the certification panels are to be replaced by a Magic 8-Ball.

In the past, certification panels served to assess officials’ rules and officiating knowledge and skill in order to provide certification of officials.
Certification, in turn, signifies an official’s excellence and qualification to officiate sanctioned and regulation roller derby gameplay.
The assessment of which officials are deserving of certification and have the skill to officiate WFTDA and MRDA tournaments will now be carried out by a Magic 8-Ball.

Heffalump, a WFTDA spokesperson, commented:
“We are happy to present a unified certification system that will better meet the needs both the WFTDA and the MRDA membership than the previous certification program.
We think this new Magic 8-Ball-based system will be better at identifying skill in roller derby officiating than the old panel-based system.”

“We have listened to the derby community and believe that this will be a much better, more reliable and less biased way to find the best referees and NSOs for staffing our tournaments.”

“We would like to apologise for the delay in re-opening the certification program, but we believe the wait and hard work will pay off for the future of roller derby officiating.
After the long break during the re-structure in which no certifications were processed, we are now happy to announce that we are accepting applications for officials’ certification once again.”

In answer to whether there would be any changes to the application process for officials seeking certification, Heffalump explained:
“As before, you will need to submit game evaluations and certification test results, which will be carefully considered by the Magic 8-Ball.
And, just as in the past, certification will continue to be an entry requirement for officiating the WFTDA, and now MRDA tournaments, to ensure a high level of officiating at these events.”

Top roller derby player claims to be doing 25 hours of exercise per day

A top roller derby skater has recently claimed on her roller derby fitness blog that she does 25 hours of exercise every day.

National team and Derpshire Allstars skater PyroJen writes daily posts on her blog, “PyroJen wrote a derby blog”, about roller derby fitness.

Recently, PyroJen revealed that 25 daily hours of exercise as well as the “Athletes’ 10” hours of nightly sleep have made her the derby player she is today.

PyroJen commented:
“Yes, it’s true. Between on-skates training, scrimmage and my off-skates workouts, it all adds up to 25 hours of exercise every day. As a leading member of my league’s coaching committee, I always tell our fresh meat skaters that this is the only way they will make it in roller derby.”

“For instance, while I was writing the blog post, I was lifting weights and doing core exercises. Also, I use my cat as a yoga weight. Most humans just have one core, but I have three! My whole day is really just a Rocky montage.”

“I model my exercise regime on the gym routines of famous skaters like Smarty Pants or Stephanie Mainey. They are excellent!”

“But it’s not all about the exercise! I also live on a nightly IV drip of nutritional yeast and am hoping to soon live only on pure energy.”

PyroJen commented further:
“I also recommend getting sports massages five times a week. I do foam rolling all the time, including right now. In fact, I sleep on a foam roller.
That way, my nightmares about falling into a bottomless void if I stop moving for even a second can become a workout in themselves!”

Roller derby skater retires again for the attention

A player who everyone thought had already retired from roller derby, announced another retirement this week to get more attention.

Sophomania, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, explained:
“I wanted to make sure that it was all about me again.”

“I had threatened to retire a few times before, when I was not selected for the Derpshire All Stars team.
I would rather not play roller derby at all than have to play at a mediocre level like my own.”

“Then I actually retired for a little while. It was great, people made a big deal out of my last bout and stuff.”

“But once that was over and done, I noticed that I was getting fewer and fewer likes on Facebook. I came back to roller derby just so that I could retire again for the attention.”

HeiHei, a player on the Derpshire All Stars Reserves team, commented:
“I don’t care if she stays or goes, but every time she does this I lose or gain my place on the roster, so I really hope she makes up her mind!”

Sophomania commented further:
“It’s hard to get enough social media attention without roller derby. My other options were getting a cat, having a baby, or writing unbearably philosophical Facebook posts about my mundane everyday life.”

“And of course, even though I’m retired, I’ll still make my opinions known in every roller derby discussion and stir drama wherever possible.”

WFTDA rules to be translated into Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki

Already, versions of the WFTDA rule book are available in English, German, French and Spanish.

The WFTDA have now announced plans to translate the rules of flat track roller derby into more languages, including Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki.

WFTDA spokesperson Ebony and Irony commented:
“After translating the WFTDA rule book into German, French and Spanish, Klingon seemed like the next logical step.”

“We wanted to focus on languages that are relevant to the roller derby community.
We want to ensure that players, officials and fans can access the important WFTDA rules documents and information in the language of their choice.”

These new versions of the rules will be available on the WFTDA website as soon as possible but the WFTDA are looking for volunteers to help with the translation task.

Ebony and Irony commented:
“If you want to be involved in the translation process, please get in touch with the WFTDA rules committee.
You will need to include a sample of your work by translating a rule of your choice into the relevant language.”

“You can also contact the WFTDA rules committee for any further language translation requests of the rule book.”

“We are currently prioritising Klingon, Elvish and Dothraki.
But in the future we are planning translations into Latin, Parseltongue, simple English, Minion, Pirate, Newspeak, Emojis and Scottish.”

Breaking news: WFTDA Championships update

Exclusive news update from the 2016 WFTDA Championships in Portland.

Jammer eats actual baby.
“I’ve always found that phrase confusing. Well, I’ve certainly protein loaded now.”

Sports court still worst court.
Better options said to include wood, concrete, royal and legal court.

All games so far ended in hugs, not fist fights.
Male players confused.

Gotham think they are ‘the good guys’.
Disagreeing with this is literally everybody.

Scientists discover new types of geometric shape in roller derby walls.
First reported sighting of a rombangle and a trimond outside of computational simulations.

Referee to be treated for jamnesia.
“One second I knew it all, the penalties, the points, the passes, and then suddenly … It was all gone!”

‘Rotational violence’ to blame for global warming.
But TNOB’s new helmet technology laboratory are on the case.

MRDA to award travel stipend to the biggest whiner

Recent rumours that the 2017 Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) Championships may be held in Europe led to outrage on social media. Numerous American roller derby players stated that it was simply impossible to fundraise enough money to bring a team to another continent.

In response to this, the MRDA have now announced that to cover the increased cost of playing at the MRDA Championships in the UK they will award a travel stipend to the player who is the most whiny about this situation.

MRDA spokesperson Billy Rubin explained:
“We understand that having to be on social media all day long leaves very little time for budgeting and fundraising.”

Applicants may approach the MRDA via any social media platform, including Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and can do this under their real name, derby name or any pseudonym they choose. You just have to use the new MRDA hashtag: #MayTheBestManWhine

Particular points will be awarded for the most outrageous whining, examples of which could include: ‘We’ve never had to fundraise before’, or ‘I can’t travel to MRDA Champs in Europe because of my criminal record’.

Billy Rubin elaborated:
“Overall, we feel that this is the right move, as the loudest whiners are clearly those who want and need it the most and they are the people we should be supporting.”

“We want to send the message that in this organisation, you can have anything you want as long as you demand it loudly enough.”

USA-based players shocked to discover that roller derby exists in other countries

Roller derby players from across the USA have recently discovered that roller derby is also played in other countries. This revelation has lead to widespread confusion, anger, existential dread, and of course outrage on social media.

Bubble Standard, of the Lame County Rollers, commented:
“This came as a complete shock to me!”

“Are people in other countries even allowed to play roller derby? I mean, nobody asked me if I was ok with it!”

“How are we going to be the number one in roller derby forever, if we are going to let other people play?”

“If we don’t halt this development in its tracks, it will certainly spell the end of North American roller derby.”

Men’s roller derby has officially arrived in 2009

Following their recent 2016 Championship near Dallas, Texas, the Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have proudly announced that men’s roller derby has finally reached the level of 2009 women’s derby.

Bad Hombre, an MRDA spokesperson, commented:
“We are so proud to have reached this point.
It’s been a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears (sometimes literally).”

“I was ecstatic to see the level of play at this year’s MRDA champs, and how passionately people, on and off the track, feel about our sport.
It just shows how far men’s derby has come.”

Looking to future, Bad Hombre said:
“Obviously we still have a long way to go. But there are exciting times ahead for the MRDA.”

“After reaching this milestone I simply cannot wait for the year when we finally learn to play in walls.”

Bay Area skaters seen secretly attending backward skating bootcamps

Following their recent loss against Montreal at the 2016 WFTDA Playoffs, skaters from Bay Area Derby (BAD) have been spotted secretly attending beginner’s bootcamps on backwards skating.

BAD, an otherwise high-level team, have become known for their continued use of flat, forward-facing four-blocker defensive walls, while the rest of the derby world moved on to dynamic walls, often featuring blockers facing backwards and physically bracing the walls.

This year’s WFTDA D1 playoff in Montreal saw BAD being defeated by the hosts themselves in the game for third place and hence being barred from attending the 2016 WFTDA championships. This is the first time since 2012 that BAD have not made it to the championships, even coming in third place overall in 2014.

It has been suggested that BAD’s result in this year’s competitive season may be linked to their strategic choices.

A BAD skater, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented: “I had heard of backward skating and of ‘braced walls’, but I had never seen those things in person. Then I saw other teams do them at playoffs and I thought to myself: ‘Why aren’t we doing that?'”

BAD skaters have since been spotted up and down the country at numerous roller derby beginner bootcamps with an emphasis on backward skating and dynamic walls.

Another anonymous BAD skater commented: “I’m like a complete beginner at these backward skating bootcamps, skating alongside fresh meat skaters from other leagues.”

“I have to keep my attendance at such bootcamps secret though. I always wear a neutral top and no golden helmet. And a fake mustache, just to be sure.”