USA-based players shocked to discover that roller derby exists in other countries

Roller derby players from across the USA have recently discovered that roller derby is also played in other countries. This revelation has lead to widespread confusion, anger, existential dread, and of course outrage on social media.

Bubble Standard, of the Lame County Rollers, commented:
“This came as a complete shock to me!”

“Are people in other countries even allowed to play roller derby? I mean, nobody asked me if I was ok with it!”

“How are we going to be the number one in roller derby forever, if we are going to let other people play?”

“If we don’t halt this development in its tracks, it will certainly spell the end of North American roller derby.”

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Men’s roller derby has officially arrived in 2009

Following their recent 2016 Championship near Dallas, Texas, the Men’s Roller Derby Association (MRDA) have proudly announced that men’s roller derby has finally reached the level of 2009 women’s derby.

Bad Hombre, an MRDA spokesperson, commented:
“We are so proud to have reached this point.
It’s been a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears (sometimes literally).”

“I was ecstatic to see the level of play at this year’s MRDA champs, and how passionately people, on and off the track, feel about our sport.
It just shows how far men’s derby has come.”

Looking to future, Bad Hombre said:
“Obviously we still have a long way to go. But there are exciting times ahead for the MRDA.”

“After reaching this milestone I simply cannot wait for the year when we finally learn to play in walls.”

Bay Area skaters seen secretly attending backward skating bootcamps

Following their recent loss against Montreal at the 2016 WFTDA Playoffs, skaters from Bay Area Derby (BAD) have been spotted secretly attending beginner’s bootcamps on backwards skating.

BAD, an otherwise high-level team, have become known for their continued use of flat, forward-facing four-blocker defensive walls, while the rest of the derby world moved on to dynamic walls, often featuring blockers facing backwards and physically bracing the walls.

This year’s WFTDA D1 playoff in Montreal saw BAD being defeated by the hosts themselves in the game for third place and hence being barred from attending the 2016 WFTDA championships. This is the first time since 2012 that BAD have not made it to the championships, even coming in third place overall in 2014.

It has been suggested that BAD’s result in this year’s competitive season may be linked to their strategic choices.

A BAD skater, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented: “I had heard of backward skating and of ‘braced walls’, but I had never seen those things in person. Then I saw other teams do them at playoffs and I thought to myself: ‘Why aren’t we doing that?'”

BAD skaters have since been spotted up and down the country at numerous roller derby beginner bootcamps with an emphasis on backward skating and dynamic walls.

Another anonymous BAD skater commented: “I’m like a complete beginner at these backward skating bootcamps, skating alongside fresh meat skaters from other leagues.”

“I have to keep my attendance at such bootcamps secret though. I always wear a neutral top and no golden helmet. And a fake mustache, just to be sure.”

After five years: derby player finally gets team mate’s derby name pun

After five years, a Roller derby player has finally understood the pun in her team mate’s roller derby name.

At last weekend’s bout, Skatelyn, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, was hit by a sudden realisation and finally understood the meaning behind her team mate’s roller derby name.

Skatelyn commented:
“I cannot believe I didn’t see it before! ”

“Her name is ‘Poocahontas’. You know – ‘poo’ like pooing and ‘Pocahontas’ like in Disney!”

Poocahontas commented:
“This is unbelievable. Skatelyn and I are derby wives and have been best friends every since we started playing. How can she not have gotten this until now?”

Skatelyn explained:
“I guess I thought it was just her real name or something.”

WFTDA to publish the rules of fresh meat roller derby

The members of the WFTDA rules committee have come together to develop a rule set for beginner’s or ‘fresh meat’ roller derby.

WFTDA spokesperson Onyxia commented:
‘We felt that this was a necessary step.
Adapting the rules of roller derby in this way will allow beginners to play without every player fouling out in the first five minutes.’

A summary of the most important changes from the standard rule set is exclusively shown here:

Out of Play
There are no limits to the engagement zone, the pack is everywhere.
Pack definition is not monitored and no failure to reform penalties are given.

Track cuts
There are no track boundary lines. Any lines on the floor mean nothing and can be ignored. Any potential cuts can be undone by skating back on the track.

Illegal procedures
There are no illegal reentries; players can reenter the track anywhere.

False start
There is no such thing as a false start. Players can start anywhere they want.

Penalty enforcement
Leaving the track when being called on a penalty is entirely optional.

Game parameters
Immediately after the start whistle of a jam, there will be a five second delay to give everyone the chance to clarify if the jam has really started and what those confusing whistles mean.

Verbal cues
Referees will not communicate with players beyond issuing penalties. Warnings and prompts to return to the bench are just too confusing.

Impact metrics
Finally, the new rule set will show the following diagram to clarify impact assessment in fresh meat roller derby.

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Inverse correlation between number of times you go to RollerCon and number of classes you attend

A recent study has shown that there is a direct inverse correlation between the number of times a roller derby skater has attended RollerCon and the number of classes they attend, as well as the amount of exercise they are likely to engage in, during the event.

RollerCon, an annual roller derby congress in Las Vegas, brings together skaters, coaches and vendors in a 5-day event filled with classes, seminars, scrimmages, bouts and parties.

The study showed that first time attendees are likely to engage in many more classes, and engage in many more hours of exercise per day, than repeat RollerCon attendees.

Hannah, first-time RollerCon visitor and member of the Derpshire Rollergirls’ fresh meat programme, commented: “I have everything planned out. I have studied the class timetable, and have colour-coded all the classes, seminars and Meet & Greet’s that I want to attend, so that I can go to the maximum possible number every day. The next day, I will get up early and do it all again. I’m so excited!”

“I’ve also signed up to play in 36 RollerCon challenge bouts!”

“I will eat my lunches during off-skates seminars, so that I don’t miss out on a single minute of learning. Initially, I was planning to eat during skating classes. But then I thought they might frown on it if I whip out a taco during Quadzilla’s jam skating class, and I want to make a good impression.”

The study showed further that the units of alcohol drunk per day increased with increasing years of Rollercon attendance.

Tessa Ract, member of the Derpshire All Stars team, RollerCon veteran and coach of several classes at this year’s Rollercon, commented: “For me, Rollercon is really more about about dating than skating.”

“Skating-wise, all I have to do during these five days at RollerCon is to coach two classes, and play a challenge bout with Team TNOB. The rest of the time I will sit by the pool and party. One of my team mate didn’t even bring her skates.”

The study results bring truth to the old RollerCon saying: “There was skating. There was drinking. Not at the same time.”

An ode to the toes of a roller derby player

This little piggy’s nail has died and gone away.

This little piggy turned black and blue and bent one day.

This little piggy went wonky breaking-in my new skates.

This little piggy has a giant blister that it hates.

This little piggy fell victim to my toe stop-heavy session.

This little piggy needs to be taped up to make a good impression.

This little piggy is nothing but a hammer toe.

This little piggy’s nail is hanging on for dear life so.

This little piggy got stomped on at the game in Rome

This little piggy was broken in half during my yoga cross training and went wee wee wee all the way home.

Success: Every North American men’s roller derby fan gets ticket to Men’s World Cup

The organisers of the Men’s Roller Derby World Cup (MRDWC), to be held in Calgary this weekend, have reported a major success in their ticket sales.

MRDWC spokesperson Ultracrepidarian commented:
“We are happy to announce that every single North American men’s roller derby fan was able to get a ticket for this event. We really feel like we have been able to connect with the main fan base of men’s roller derby.”

Buyers of tickets were ecstatic at the prospect of seeing the men’s World Cup live. Thingama Bob, of the Lame County Rollers, commented:
“I bought a ticket, because I really wanted a nice quiet weekend and some solitude. I’m looking forward to it just being me, my poutine and an empty row of seats. It will be glorious.”

Ultracrepidarian elaborated on some of the opportunities offered to fans this weekend because of the sales record:
“We are going to do this new system where every audience member is personally paired up with a player to high-five during the victory round. We just need to sell a few more tickets so that no player is left out.”

The start of the Men’s Roller Derby World Cup has been smooth so far, though MRDWC organisers were somewhat baffled during team registration to find that there are more national teams in Europe and in South America than in North America.
“We were very surprised. We had no idea. We thought maybe the USA and Canada would get at least three national teams. But apparently that’s not how it works.”

Come to Calgary this weekend to see the best of men’s roller derby, or follow the action on the live stream!

New skate brand enters roller derby market: TNOB

After a recent split in the leadership of a well known skate company, a new roller derby skate brand has emerged: TNOB.

TNOB offers quad skates, boots, plates, wheels and anything you need for your roller derby set-up; and they promise brand new technology to make you the skater you want to be.

Avid V, head of TNOB, tells us more about what TNOB brings to the market: “We did intensive research of currently available skate technology. We found a core area for improvement that other brands have left largely unexplored.”

“On our boots, we have added brand new ShoeLace™ Technology to tighten the boot and hold your feet in place. These are a complete upgrade from ordinary laces, as they are are fully exchangeable and customisable, and we have different colours and elasticities.”

“To get the most out of the exciting new ShoeLace™ Technology, we recommend switching to a complete TNOB skate and padding set-up. Come to our booth at a derby event near you and we will fit you with all the TNOB equipment that we think you need.”

Myriad players have already switched to a TNOB set-up. And a number of high level players represent TNOB on the roller derby market as part of the sponsored ‘Team TNOB’.

Using #tnobulated as their hashtag, players like Team USA skater GMO FTW have been busily promoting TNOB on social media.

In a recent announcement, TNOB also opened up Team TNOB to new members:
“You too could be on Team TNOB! Submit a video of you acting like a TNOB for the chance to be on team TNOB at rollercon!”

WFTDA rules update will see second period played in clockwise direction

In a recent rules update published by the WFTDA, it has been confirmed that future roller derby games will see the second period played in clockwise direction. The first period will continue to be played in the usual counter-clockwise direction.

Omegara, a WFTDA spokesperson, explained:
“We decided on this step to make our sport safer and less injury-prone.
Many studies have shown that unidirectional roller derby can lead to muscle imbalance, which in turn can cause long term health issues and injury.”

“We also wanted to increase the general level of athleticism in roller derby. We believe that roller derby skaters should be equally good at skating in different directions around the track.
This will help us to be taken more seriously as athletes by other roller sports organisations and sports bodies in general.”

“Of course, in the second period of every bout you would now potentially be subject to direction of gameplay penalties for counter-clockwise blocking.
Regarding necessary rule changes, we have created an updated version of the rule book which contains a new section for the second period.
This section is just the whole rule book again, but every instance of ‘counter-clockwise’ has been replaced with ‘clockwise’ and vice versa. In one swift move we have thus doubled the WFTDA rule book in length.

“In general though, we do not anticipate a lot of organisational changes for games and game play. Line-up and score trackers may need to change position at half time and we will need a second set of jammer and pivot lines and a penalty box ‘line of no return’ on the other side of the box.”

Isle of View, of the Derpshire Rollergirls, commented:
“This is a whole new challenge for our training. We basically feel like rookie skaters when going clockwise around the track. We all have a good side for stops and turns and none of us can really cross-over all that well in clockwise direction.

“I normally like to position myself on the outside line in our walls. Now I’m confused. Will I want to be on the inside on the second half?”

DuroTart, another Derpshire skater, commented:
“I like this change. Why do so many sports go counter-clockwise anyway?”

Meanwhile, owners of derby businesses and enterprises with names based on the unidirectionality of roller derby were left unimpressed.