Certified roller derby referee admits: “I’m just making it up as I go.”

A level three certified roller derby referee from Failingsworth, Derpshire, admitted that their knowledge of the rules roller derby is minimal.

The referee, who will remain anonymous, stated: “I don’t know how this happened, but it seems too late to turn back now.”

“It all started off small. I was about to start my ref training, when a neighbouring league desperately needed refs for a mixed scrimmage. I agreed to do it and that was my way in. Having reffed at that scrimmage I got asked to ref at more mixed scrimmages and once I had those on my ref CV I was offered spots for bouts and eventually tournaments.”

“At no point did anyone ask if I actually knew what I was doing. Just turn up in a stripy top and you are set to go.”

“I throw in some penalty calls here and there, like ‘illegal block’ or ‘failure to play’, so that I look like I’m actually doing something. Are those actual penalties? Who knows! You’d think someone would notice, but they don’t!”

“When I jammer ref, I just hold up an arbitrary number of points somewhere between zero and seven.”

“I thought I was done for when I reffed a sanctioned bout under a highly-certified head ref. But after the game she simply complimented me on my great positioning and that was it.”

“I certainly feel that we should have some sort of system in place to stop people like me from reffing all these bouts.”